Relationship and ileostomy

Hi Catweazle77

Firstly welcome to the online community. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through I too have an Ileostomy see my profile for my full story. I have had mine since 10th February this year I am a 49yr old male. I felt unattractive and older than my actual years and constantly thought was I ever gonna feel comfortable in my own body. I have now managed to get through this stage and it was only through talking both with my wife and people on here. Your partner may feel scared and confused in what they should do and they may not be ready to accept the changes happening in your lives. Time is a great healer and only talking or trying to figure out how all of this has affected your partner and the changes. I'm sure your partner still loves and cares for you greatly. Please don't blame yourself for everything that is happening and has happened to you recently with your illness. I hope you are able to work things out and get back to your old lives as much as possible.

Stay safe

Mark

Hi Catweazle

I had an ileostomy for 9 months after an LAR, is yours permanent or temporary? A number of thoughts occur to me, I hope that you don't think I am being patronising. Has he seen or spoken about his feelings about your stoma? My husband was amazing helping me with 'sooty' and the whole cancer thing. I also had an adult son who left the room when I  revealed any part of my abdomen or changed the bag, he was revolted by it and I felt ugly when he ran from the room. 

Perhaps counselling would help you feel better with the changes to your body? You have to love yourself first and this ileostomy has been a life saver for you. You need to feel good in yourself, you have come through an incredible trauma, you are still standing and you need to heal physically and mentally. It took me longer to get over the mental trauma than the physical. Realise how huge this has been for you and spoil yourself.

Try to talk to your partner about the cancer and surgery. Do you normally talk easily about problems? He could just be covering up his fears. Perhaps he is/was scared you might die? If he can't cope with it and if the ileostomy is temporary then perhaps you can discuss it together and agree a way forward eg hugs and cuddles and no pressure to push him into confronting his fears. If your stoma is permanent then you might need to come up with a better plan and/or get him counselling.

Ultimately you can only control and work on your own feelings about yourself, he has to be willing to try and you won't know how he feels until you start communicating better between you. I am not recommending getting sloshed but when my husband has a couple of drinks he loosens up and his fears start to come out. This definitely doesn't help for everyone but you need to find something that works for you two.

The Corona virus definitely doesn't help either, can you find something special to do? We have had BBQ's in the back garden, a date night where I cooked something special and even youtube music nights where we drank beer and played all the old cheesy songs.