I hate this journey/Fear

Awh Marianne, sending you big hugs! 

Your diagnosis from last year seems pretty positive, that they got good margins.

It's important to go for these follow ups so the cancer doesn't get hold again.

I understand how the anxiety gets you, I think once you've had that cancer diagnosis, you will be forever fearful of it coming back. 

From my point of view the anxiety would get worse from not knowing.

Please take care of yourself again sending you lots of positive well wishes.

Thanks so much for your kind words! Yes, the fear of fear is so difficult to deal with! Just entering my hospital is alarming for me. Can you imagine that I was terrified of having a CT scan...which simply means lying on your back & breathing in/ out....Sounds so simple, but my heart was racing during the driving there & the experience.

Hi ,

Anxiety is very real and very horrible . I don’t blame you one bit .

Have you thought of reaching out to your GP ? When my mum was diagnosed I got beta blockers from my GP . It did not affect my mind but calmed the symptoms of anxiety. That made it more manageable for me to get a handle on things . I used them before scans etc . Not my mum as she does not seem to get affect by anxiety. We are all different I guess but the way I see it . It’s temporary and in response to a very real stimulus. If you need some assistance it’s there for you . 
take care ,

Court 

Hi, Marianne26, I was in a similar position to you last year. I decided to ask for my repeat colonoscopy as soon as they were able to give it to me, to help stop the mind monkeys. You do not have to be sedated, I wasn't, and it was fine. The consultant said that 2 of the corners had been removed, so it would be easier!!! Not sure if this applies to you, but the procedure just felt crampy. Hope this might help.

You really are the best on this site...you offer such wonderful advice & help to others...& I thank you for that! No, I'm not confident with my GP...& I've never had a Paracetamol since I was in Hosp. last May...I just don't trust medications per se. x

That’s a shame . My mum’s GP has been such a lifeline. Regarding the meds , that’s exactly like my mum ! She hates taking anything . She wrestled with chemo . I found a whole drawer full of unused meds ! My sister had to get rid of them . 

Hope it’s good news for you .

Court xx 

Hi 

I dont post on here very often any more, but just a quick note to tell you its actually ok not to be ok, I have suffered terribly with anxiety since diagnosis two years ago, its perfectly normal to be so anxious and scared after such a traumatic experience.

I am always struck with the scant regard for mental health support following treatment for cancer, my feeling is that it should be offered as a matter of course, instead we have to seek it out.

I personally have been for counselling ( simply because I did not want my wife to become my carer) and take a low dose of sertraline for anxiety which helps.

The sedation for a colonoscopy is actually very mild and actually quite pleasant lol, If i can offer one piece of advice it would be to seek help from your GP re your anxiety, I cant emphasise enough how normal it is to feel how you do

all the best

dom  

Morning

The fear and anxiety is horrible please go to your gp about it as there is a lot they can offer you and it’s  not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Some people cope well but most don’t when facing cancer and I didn’t. Although I’m 5 years since diagnosis now with a stage 4 diagnosis and am well. I’m due my last scan (hopefully) soon and recently thought I was having heart trouble but it turns out it was anxiety so am now taking 20mg of citalopram which is helping. Looking back over the last 6 months I was beginning to dislike driving as I found I was jumping when people did silly things thought it was an age thing but I’m only 53! I used to drive all over the uk but recently I’ve only been comfortable driving on familiar routes. My gp thinks it’s caused by a type of ptsd as I’m not actually worrying just feel anxious and that it’s in my subconscious! Anyway that’s not important I feel much better and driving is much easier now.

These checks are very important. Worst case scenario they find something else then it’s much easier to treat when it’s tiny than when it’s been there for a while. The wait is awful and feels cruel especially when in other countries you get the results on the same day it’s the only “fault” of the NHS which is an amazing institution. My oncologist told me to go on holiday but I couldn’t it’s just a case of getting through the days until the results are back! 
I had my first colonoscopy under sedation which hurt like hell as like you my tumour was on the left hand side and they couldn’t get the scope past it. That’s how they found it actually as at my age they thought it was ibs or diverticulitis. The second one I had gas and air and the procedure was uncomfortable but not painful as such but means you can go home straight away. I have to have another one which I’m not looking forward to at all! But I’m going!

Take care you’ve been through a lot and recently too. I’ve been at this for 5 years it doesn’t get easier but life gets so much better you start to forget it 2015 was my awful difficult horrible year and sometimes it feels like yesterday but mostly it’s hard to believe everything I’ve been through. 

Thank you so much for your understanding & kind words Dom x

Thanks so much Lucy, for your understanding & very kind, wise words. I will look into that drug you mentioned. Can you drive whilst taking it? Like you....I now only drive familiar routes also!

Marian x