It's everywhere... not coping too well.

Robin,

It is everywhere and I understand your struggles. My ex-husband is having tests and it is looking pretty certain that he has tonsil cancer with poss liver mets as his liver function is off. We have remained good friends and he is the father of our two children and it has devastated me (and my family). I will be two years clear in August and just as we were getting over my cancer it has struck again. My son and daughter are shouldering the burden of possibly having to go through the whole cancer thing with their Dad (they both live with him), and the outlook is not looking so rosy this time.

Watching the pain of cancer ripping apart our family again when my wounds are still so fresh is doubly painful. I found that the psychological effects hit me worse after the treatment was over than during. The reality of a near miss was very frightening and also with every monitoring result I get more frightened, somehow you have more to loose each time. I know I am scared to hope for a good outcome in case it is bad news and I will have to go through it all again and my family with me.

Whenever I meet people who know about my cancer they ask me how I am and underneath their innocent enquiry I feel they are really asking, how is your cancer, is it back again yet? This could just be me tho. Every disease increases pre-existing doubts on the health of our bodies. Where lightning has struck once, it could strike again. You never take your health for granted again and every ache or pain might herald cancers return, the headache is a brain haemorrhage, forgetting words is the onset of dementia. Health anxiety is horrible even if we now have a good reason to have it. Healing takes a lot longer than first envisaged and getting a clean bill of health isn't the ticket to happiness that you imagined it would be.

Hang on in there Robin, and plan that holiday. You are not alone and keeping going is all that you can do.

Best wishes

Nicky

I was talking to my brother in law the other day . He was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer jan 18 , he had surgery where they discovered that the Tumour had attached itself to his bladder . Unfortunately during the surgery a tube between his bladder and kidney was nicked which resulted in him having more surgery to insert a stint . He had 12 cycles of chemo and only had his stoma reversal in the past couple of months ... he said while he was going through everything he just got on with it and took it in his stride , it’s only now that he’s over it that it’s really hit him how much he’s been through . I think a lot of people feel that way after ,  the fear of recurrence is always with him too . I agree though it’s everywhere and no longer shocks us when we hear about another person . In my own family I’ve lost both my parents and my brother to cancer , now my daughter has been diagnosed . It’s frightening really and from what I’ve been reading it’s only going to become more common . I really wish you the best in your recovery , stay strong x

Thank you both for the kind words and support. I may go and get some counselling, just so I have a safe place to vent all the feelings out.

R.

Counselling is great idea , sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than those nearest and dearest to us . That’s probably why I find this group such a huge support to me , I find it easier to talk about my fears and anxieties here rather than to my family . you would probably benefit greatly from professional counselling though . You’ve been through a huge ordeal . 

I know what you mean about the different interactions . I noticed a whole range of them . People genuinely concerned for her in the beginning but their looks scared the life out of me .  With her staging there was also a surprise element that several years down there road she was still here . 

To be honest it all eventually stopped and an normal approached returned . 

Take the help you need ,

Court 

Dear Robin

i never realised until I was diagnosed just how many times one encounters ‘cancer based’ adverts, they seemed everywhere; and still do!  The other thing that irked me were the ‘hand clutchers’ who inevitably seemed to have their head at a very strange angle while mouthing some platitude; I ended up cutting them short with, “Yeah I’m fine, but what the hell’s wrong with your neck?”  Another great one we’re those who advised me to, “be brave!”  As if somehow getting cancer was a conscious choice.  Last thing on this - the media, I was diagnosed a week before Xmas and the radio kept telling me it was, “the most wonderful time of the year.”  I wasn’t in agreement.

Those days do pass, albeit very, very slowly.  Getting a treatment plan/surgery date was, I found, a real step forward; I hope both come soon for you.  I live in Liverpool - everything is football, take heed of Mo Salah’s T-shirt on the night of the miraculous match against Barcelona, ‘Never give up.’

YNWA

mike