Husband Diagnosed

Hi ,

A big welcome to the forum . I am sorry to hear about your husband . It is overwhelming for sure and you are correct in that the consultation becomes such a blur . What you are experiencing is perfectly normal , you are not at all selfish. It’s fear and shock all rolled into one and no where to express it . I am so pleased you popped in here as it is very important to get the support you need too .

Bowel cancer is very treatable and they will take very good care of him . I will leave others who have experienced the process to explain the operation . But he will be safely through the surgery and in the best care .

We also have a helpline 0808 808 0000 who would be more than happy to talk any of this through with you too ,

Take care,

Court 

Hi and welcome

Everyone reacts differently to the news and I would imagine that he is in shock. I remember when I was told and in my head I just kept repeating to myself "I have cancer" it was all so unreal, like it was happening to someone else. Men can often also feel that it is their job to be strong and sometimes I think you panic that if you let it out just a bit then the whole emotional mess will come flooding out and you will be a sobbing wreck on the floor hurting the people around you.

Obviously I don't know either of you but I would mention it when you are alone and admit that you are scared but that you are also there to listen if/when he wants to talk. Sometimes that is all the opening that he might need to admit his own fears. They are operating on him very quickly which is good in a way, less time to worry but also less time to process it all. It is awful at the moment, you feel as though your life has come crashing down but you will all get through this, me and my family did  and there are tons of treatment options that didn't exist a few years ago. It is just one foot in front of another and at some point it will be behind you and a joyous life will return.

best wishes

Nicky

Hi and a warm welcome to the board from me.

I can imagine how shocked you are but it’s good that the operation is being done so soon and by Thursday night the tumour will be in the bin. There’s a lot to take in but please do not google - the information is out of date and downright scary in places - stay on here ask anything you like - there is no question too silly or embarrassing!

Ive attached a couple of booklets which I hope will help

https://bowelcancerorguk.s3.amazonaws.com/Publications/Your%20pathway.pdf

https://bowelcancerorguk.s3.amazonaws.com/Publications/Your%20operation.pdf

I have to admit I was just like your husband when diagnosed! Part of it was a little bit of disbelief and then a bit of ‘right let’s get it treated and make me better’ and a bit of knowing how shocked and worried my husband was and not wanting to add to it by breaking down myself. I personally read up a lot on the board and in booklets about what lay (or might lay) ahead but my husband preferred to find things out on a need to know basis. Everyone deals with it differently but I’m sure he knows you’re there to listen if he needs to talk.

My tumour was a lot lower down (in my rectum) so my op may have been slightly different but I would presume the same conditions of no heavy lifting (nothing heavier than a kettle of water with just enough for 1 cup in) and no driving until he can safely perform an emergency stop. Try and encourage him to get up and about and take little walks up and down the ward.

The tumour and surrounding tissue will be sent away for testing and the results (histology report) will advise if there are any lymph nodes affected and then they will assess what chemo will be needed but don’t worry about that for now, concentrate on the op and cross the next bridge when you get to it.

Please let us know how everything goes on thursday

Take care

Karen x

Damosgen.

I am in a similar situation to your husband, mine is slightly more of a shock because I had no symptoms, being picked up via screening, caught early so less severe, but still resulting in a bowel resection and ileostomy to come next month so its still life changing. 

Phased by it? yes he is, probably angry, angry that this cancer has hit him, an issue he feels he does not deserve.   However, us blokes are usually exceptionally practical, and he is probably mulling over in his head, as am I, how and when he will be back on his feet, and how to get life back together ASAP afterwards.  I'm afraid we don't share our issues easily, even within marriage.

My wife is a retired nurse, she has been to all the consultants meetings with me, was with me at diagnosis, with me at the first meeting with the stoma nurse.  We have shared the issue as such as possible, but even so, we have a small gulf between us around the issue of life (temporary or permanent - dont know yet) with a stoma.  Stuff I feel is too personal, Stuff she feels I am being silly about, stuff I feel she doesn't appreciate,  nothing major but it needs to be worked out. 

I can't tell you how to cope, but take heart from his confidence, and when he shows signs of talking to you about how stuff is going to be after the op, get involved.  Be part of planning the recovery, return to normal life, holiday plans, family life, look at the future positively and practically.  That way you know your family has one, a good one. 

Hi

Welcome to the forum. You mentioned the operation is on Thursday. Meaning today, or next week? Either way, please tell him all the best from me. I can understand his reaction to it; it sounds a little like myself. I take after my grandmother, who is a very pragmatic person. No point in panicking or crying, just get on with what needs doing. This is a major operation and the recovery will take a bit out of him, and at least for the next four weeks you will be the one doing the driving, carrying things, etc. My advice would be to focus on that, and just be there when he is ready to talk. If he is anything like me it may be weeks or months, but one day he might just be ready for it.

Anyway, the fact that they are doing the operation immediately is actually a good thing. If there was any sign that the cancer has spread already, they would probably start with chemotherapy first. So the fact that they are doing the operation straight away, to me means that they might be positive that it was picked up early.

It sounds like the operation he is having might be similar to the one I had, which is a high anterior resection, if the tumour is on the sigmoid colon (the first bit of the colon just above the rectum). Or if it is slightly higher up it may be a left hemicolectomy. Will he be having open surgery or laparoscopy (keyhole surgery)? I had keyhole surgery, and they had me up and walking (and in the shower!) two days later. There was no complications, so I was discharged after five days. 

Back home my mum would insist on daily walks, and we increased the distance and pace every day. After two weeks I started working part-time (from home, though; I am fortunate that I can do that, sitting on the sofa with my laptop). And four weeks after the operation I was back in the office. Everyone's journey is different, but I just want to share with you that, especially if it is found early, it is very treatable.

All the best; You will (both) get through this!

Yolande

Hi everyone, 

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Everything has just happened so quickly, although today seems to be dragging on. He went in for surgery at 6am, and in still waiting to hear. I know there's nothing I can do but wait. You've all been do supportive thank you xx

Hi Damosgem ,

The waiting is horrible . Just remember they are probably in recovery waiting on a porter or a bed !! They can stay there for quite a while before you hear from the ward .

Hope you hear soon ,

Court 

Hi zero hope you don’t mind intrusion on this thread? My husband just been recalled following screening and abnormal result in FOB he is booked for colonoscopy in couple of weeks, trying to stay very positive as he has no symptoms, keep thinking it’s mistake or something else caused blood pressure n test.  Sorry to hear your diagnosis but on the other hand sounds positive for you, good luck with everything. 

Hi you, no problem with thread drift.

At the outset FOBT are just a warning screen, and I seem to recall that 90 - 95% of positive tests are false, ie your husband has a 5 - 10% chance of colon cancer.   Thats good odds in anyones books, The colonoscopy (warn him its not comfortable, and to take the offer of a sedative) will be the final arbiter. They will find some things (polyps, inflamed bits of bowel, etc) but the chances of finding a malignant tumour is low, So fear not. 

Of course there is me, and people like me, who are the 5 - 10%, which is why you are worrying. I thought it was a false positive, I am low risk lifestyle and diet wise, no family history of it, godamn it shouldn't have happened to me.

However, because I had no symptoms, because I had passed previous screening, Its been caught early.  Early enough to be easily fixable - Ok its has lifestyle threatening potential, but not life threatening. I'm annoyed, and angry, that its happened to me, and its going to cause issues in an enjoyable and active lifestyle, but I can see a way to plan round it, be positive, and look forward to life,  My wife is the same, we have faced this as a pair, a team. My op is on Much 20th,  and I have set a goal to be competing at a dog show with my talented hound on April 27th. 

So in summary, its very probably a false positive, if its not its been caught early, so at worse its going to cause some short to medium term disruption to your family. I know its your job to worry, and a husbands job to be nonchalant, but seriously, don't worry. 

Geoff

First Thank you so much in replying to me.  I am so sorry you are one of those in the 5%, I hear your Anger but more I hear your determination to continue to live your life your way, with positivity and plans for you and your wife together going forward on this journey.

like you my husband has a very healthy lifestyle, doesn't smoke, eats healthy goes to the gym 5 times a week, not overweight. I spoke to our Gp and she says people take screening tests and don't really think of the "what if" the results are not good at screening. The aftermath of what comes next.  I guess we have been in that category, getting positive results with all screening tests in the past.

you are right, you have a good positive attitude, without screening you would not know what was going on inside, and it would have been left to grow.  

My very best wishes for you on the 20th March I will be thinking of you, and also for the future going forward from then.my husband won't have had his colostopy by 20th March.

Support in life is important we all need it at times, sharing is part of that support, the realisation of not being alone, of someone else understanding and standing alongside walking or having walked  a similar path.

with love to you.