Hi Everyone,
I hope everyone is as well as can be. I’m now six weeks post surgery and the last two weeks I have gradually started to feel a bit better. I’ve felt a bit stronger each day and had a little more energy. My bowels have generally started to behave a bit kinder to me and whilst still unpredictable they are certainly more settled. It’s just over two weeks since my catheter came out after a UTi……think I let out an ultrasonic yelp that could only be heard by dogs when it was removed but I was so glad to leave it behind. I’ve managed to visit friends and even made it back to watch my beloved Mansfield Town FC on Tuesday night so I’ve enjoyed a slice of normality.
I met with the oncologist for the first time on Thursday and he was great. Out of the 29 lymph nodes taken during the surgery the cancer was present in 2 of them, which I had already been told but he also said it was present in something else that was lymph related…..but I can’t remember for the life of me what? He said the important part was the 2 nodes though.
The plan is for me to have 4 cycles of Capox, which thanks to the information on here and stories that people have shared I had already read plenty about and again I had been told on here that 4 cycles would be the most likely. The calculation they gave me I respect of the benefit of having the treatment was without the chemo I have an 80% chance of reaching the magic 5 years and with the chemo that figure leaps to a 94% chance. It’s a pretty remarkable increase and as they are aiming for a total cure and it’s only 4 cycles it should be a case of let’s crack on and get it done.
The truth is I am absolutely terrified, I processed the idea of surgery far easier, it was a case of either I have it or the cancer will at some point kill me. With the chemo I am finding it much harder to commit to it. The surgery was successful, the margins were all clear and they are happy they got all the cancer but obviously they can’t guarantee it. As my recovery from surgery has been somewhat eventful I can’t get my head around being poorly again for the next three months after I’m only just feeling a bit better. The thought of severe diarrhoea after my bowels have only just decided to cooperate with me and still getting used to the sensation of different muscles being used when going to the toilet is enough make me panic. What if I am struggling with that on the day of the IV and can’t make it to the toilet in time….I know that might sound daft but it’s going around in my head. The thought of being physically sick snd having diarrhoea at the same time, risk of infection, I’ve read one of the side effects can be uncomfortable and burning sensation when peeing. I don’t want another UTI, the one I had was enough to last a lifetime and made some of the other stuff seem a doddle.
Part of me knows I need to put my big boy pants on and face this, the benefits are clear, I am incredibly fortunate that I have such a positive potential outcome and I owe it to my wife and daughter but inside I’m scared and can’t stop thinking ‘nope, no more for me’.
Thank you as always for the space to offload, it does feel better to get it out and written down.
