Hi everyone,
On the 29th December i was told at a colonscopy that a 5cm tumor was found in the sigmoid area
I'm currently still in this dreaded waiting time between being told I have cancer & finding out if its spread & what happens next! (Feels like hell on earth!!!)
Ct scan and MRI scan all completed
MDT meeting was Monday just gone and I have been booked in for a meeting with the consultant Friday this week & colorectal nurse next week & they also gave me a date for surgery which is the 31st!
I'm extremely anxious and suffer with Health anxiety too.
So much so I almost couldn't have much initial colonscopy as my blood pressure was too high! My anxiety literally pushed it up to 180/100 that's how scared and frightened I get 
Anyway I said I cannot go into that meeting with potential news about spread as I'm so frightened & worried I will have a panic attack or something! So I asked if the colorectal nurses could tell me if my scans were okay apart from rectal cancer.
They were so lovely & understanding and all they said was my CT can looked okay.... which was obviously a huge relief. I did ask her if there was a still a chance I could go into the meeting Friday & still be told the cancer is elsewhere and she said I don't think so. She did say they wouldn't know full info until surgery had taken place with histology etc which I fully understand.
So i have taken that as a positive but why do I I still feel nervous & scared.
I don't want to get blindsided I that meeting with more bad news.....
I wondered if it was a good sign that I am booked straight in for surgery?
I know I will know more Friday but these last 2.5 weeks have been the hardest of my life.
I have 2 young children & have been so worried about the future & outcomes of all this
I know I sound like an anxious mess..... sorry... 
But I really appreciate any words of wisdom and help & support
Thank you so much
Lisa-Marie
Hi sorry you are going through this. Once you have the meeting over with it will feel a lot less, even if the news is not as positive as you hope for it is still easier than the not knowing because they always have a detailed plan moving forward.
My husband had emergency surgery and we didn't think he would recover as his surgery was risky and I was very anxious and having panic attacks. My GP prescribed Propanalol ( beta blockers) that slow your heart rate and I could take them 3 times a day so especially on big days like oncology meetings and scans i would take them and it really helped me be able to focus on him and what was being said.
I could still drive and they didn't make me feel groggy they just reduced my anxiety by half at least. Might be worth asking the question if you can take it.
Don't worry about feeling like an anxious mess, we have all been there.
Take care and good luck for Friday. 
Hi Lisamarie
About 1.5yrs ago I was in a similar situation.
During my colonoscopy, a large tumour in my sigmoid colon was found and it was confirmed as cancer there and then. It was a massive blow and 3 weeks later I was in surgery.
The time from diagnosis to 1st treatment (for us, surgery) can feel the most surreal and probably the toughest time of the journey.
I found this Bowel Cancer UK publication really helpful to start gain knowledge and realise that it is a well trodden path:
https://bowelcancerorguk.s3.amazonaws.com/Publications/YourPathway_BowelCancerUK.pdf
I hope that you find some reassurance from the contents.
Some people name their tumour, so that once it's removed they can talk about "XXX being rid". I found relief and strength from doing it.
Hi Lisa-Marie,
I’m new to the forums, and a bit behind you in terms of diagnosis (my CT is this Sunday). Your feelings sound really familiar to me, I’ve worried about my health for most of my life, and I’m here awake trying to get my mind off worse case scenarios.
I’m the short time I’ve been living with this I’ve found that the thing that helps most is talking to friends and family and being honest about where you are and what you’re afraid of.
For your meeting remember you’ll be with people who have seemingly boundless expertise and compassion and they will help you through whatever happens, but it sounds like there are some positive indicators there.
Wishing you all the best, hope the meeting goes well, and remember there are always people around to listen and support you - even strangers on internet forums 
All the best,
Rich
