What Can I Do??

• Vicky/ all I can say the feelings come and go. I am where you are at the moment-with my husband’s treatment and his feelings. I know it sounds hard but gentle and positive does it. Do you have a friend you can let off steam with? Sorry I can’t help more just wanted to reach out to you- and wish you well xxxxxx

Hi PattyK

Would it be possible for your son to go on your husbands insurance then if he is having a rough few days he could take the car ?

Court 

He's a bit reluctant of loaning the car out to him Court. William still at times thinks he's `a boy racer` at the age of almost 30 years old but forgets he now has a young daughter and partner to support and plus we need the car for ourselves.

Think he would be a bit worried incase he didn't get the car back in one piece.

Thanks Eliza!

No there is not a lot of people I can talk to regarding this this is why I come on here a lot. I have my sister but unfortunately she has learning difficulties and even though she knows James is going through this treatment I really don't think she comprehends just how serious it is. She lives in sheltered accommodation and I do a lot of things for her. Anything regarding authority she likes me to deal with i.e. getting her money when she needs it, dealing with letter in authority etc she doesn't like people coming in from outside to help and she can't work a cash machine (ATM) my late dad tried it with her and I've tried it with her but she just doesn't get it so it's just as easy for me to get money for her and she feels vulnerable going into a bank to get money out over the counter- but don't we all there! She's well retired at the age of 71 little things that happen like the date going off on her phone or she can't get her TV to work she gets all upset at that and phones me to see if I will go along and fix it for her (I'm within walking distance of her flat so its not too far) There is a live in warden where she is but they are only allowed to do so much for them because they are all supposed to `independent` to an extent. If we don't give her any attention she makes up stories about things happening in her complex that aren't because I've took it up with the warden many times and she says it's all nonsense  Things like people playing music and people trying to break in to her house etc. James n I have actually went along there in the car when she says these things happen and really its that quiet and deserted that you could hear a pin drop. She's lost keys to cupboard in her house and said someone stole them but she lost them. She has a habit of carrying keys around with her she doesn't need to. She had the start of breast cancer herself 3 years ago and they got it in time and it was localised and were able to cut it out. She takes Tamoxifen now and since then all her scans & check ups have been clear. But even then I don't think she realised how serious this was I think she looked on this as getting `attention` so she was quite happy with that. I have all this too to worry about as I worry that because I need to focus on James a lot just now she will think I'm ignoring her. Because of the summer months a lot of her day clubs she goes to are closed so she has a lot of time on her hands just now. I just hope its that. Never rains but it pours.

Vicky xx

Your husband needs to take priority.  Did I read correctly that your son is 30 years old?  Surely he can make arrangements himself to deal with this so that your husband and you can focus on each other?  My son is 19 and as I’m having treatment we bought him a pedal bike so he can cycle to work as we cannot be driving him everywhere.  The quicker treatment starts, the fight to beat this begins.  Chemo is not easy, but your husband needs to rest and take care of himself during and for a few days after so that he can be there and do things for the family.  I have to look my parents as my dad doesn’t have long left and my mum is disabled…but when I’m on treatment (now) and a few days after I can’t physically or mentally help them and the more I rest, the quicker I bounce back and can be there for them without stress and worry.  I really feel for your husband and hope he gets a date for treatment soon.  Sending hugs x

He might be cheaper renting somewhere near his work for a month until his car is resolved . I know another lady in Glasgow and it took three months so your so might have to think of a solution to cover the next month or so . The good news is it’s cheaper to rent in that area ! Might be able to get an air B and B for the week just after treatment . 
I really don’t think your husband can be the solution to this problem . He has been wonderful helping out but on treatment it has to be all energy put into his wellness and removing stress on him .

Its a lot but at least for the first few cycles to see how he copes .

Thinking of you .

Court 

Don't think renting would be an option either Court. I don't think he would want to be away from his partner and the wee one. His partner works also and her shifts are all over the place too. Not too bad for her though sometimes her shifts are only from 7 until 11 in the morning but then it can be 8 to 5 somedays. Its ok when William is on nights because he is there all day for the wee one but because the factory where he works has closed down for the annual summer break (3 weeks) all the maintenance guys are in on constant day shift servicing all the machines. Once the factory opens again he'll be back on his 4 days night shift 4 days day shift but then that's not going to solve our problems. I even suggested to him hiring a car for a month but altogether it's going to cost around 2k and he's not prepared to pay that. Thanks.

Thanks Mizzle!  Yes we are aware that James needs to take priority but he's a constant worrier and so am I. William is our only one and he's a constant worry even at the age of 29 (almost 30) and has his own wee family.  His work is 35 miles away so I don't think a pedal bike would be an option having to negotiate a busy motorway. James says taking him to and from work just now `breaks up his day` and gives him something else to focus on but as you said once the chemo starts this may not be so easy. His chemo starts on August 12th with his first intravenous session of Oxiplatin then after that its the two weeks of Capecitabine at home. William is very aware of what is to come but I think he feels really bad with the whole situation as its not his fault but he's tied. This is a job he has always wanted to do and its just really so unfortunate as to what has happened and the circumstances we are under just now. I just hope that everything will work out soon. As well as James I have my sister to look after. She lives in sheltered accomodation and the complex has a live in warden but there is only so much she can do because they are all supposed to have some level of independence. My sister is epileptic and has learning difficulties she's 71 but acts sometimes like someone a whole lot younger. She can be independent but needs me for somethings. My late dad was her carer before he passed 10 years ago and I managed to get her into sheltered housing because she felt vulnerable in the flat she shared with my dad. She can be `attention seeking` at times and I now worry because I may have to focus on James a lot just now that she will think I am ignoring her. She makes up stories a lot when she's like this that things are happening in the complex which are not as I've taken it up with the warden many times. My sister had breast cancer 3 years ago but it was caught very early and they managed to cut it out she is on Tamoxifen now and all her recent scans and tests have been clear but even then I don't think she could comprehend how serious it was and just looked on it as getting all this attention. She is aware also of what James is going through but I don't know how much she has really taken in about it all. Thanks so much for you thoughts Mizzle. Take Care

Vicky xx

Hi Vicky

We’ve just been through a very similar situation with my stepson and his car-sounds like exactly the same stuff- fighting about repair when the manufacturer was at fault and knew there was an issue with the part that failed. It went on for 4 months, but his insurance did cover the cost of his courtesy car. Eventually he got the car back and the same thing happened virtually immediately.

He is 30, but we told him as an adult he had to sort things out himself because we couldn’t lend our car to him and couldn’t run him to and from work-he does 4 night shifts a week. We also told him we couldn’t lend him any money for any of this as weren’t in a position to do it.

Eventually he cut his losses and bought another car which cost him £2k. He worked a lot of overtime to get the money and the rest came from his savings. He sorted everything himself and only came to us for advice about how to deal with all the wrangling with the garage and manufacturer. 

I do feel that you need your focus to be on yourselves right now-your son is an adult with his own family. I know we bail our kids out when we can, but you have a lot to deal with yourselves right now with treatment coming up. James especially needs to be able to focus on chemo. 

I hope you son can come to some solution without expecting you to do everything for him. Does he understand what his dad will be going through?

Sarah xx