Pre Op today

Oh Squeak. 

I think today is the first day I haven't cried for a week!  I cry happy tears, sad tears and why am I so weak tears, I cry when someone is kind - I feel like I'm a hot mess of tears! 

Before I started treatment (10 days now remaining) I found the "making it real" appointments super tough..  the realisation that this is really happening and scared of what's to come.  Receiving chemo on the ward and meeting people who are also fighting cancer is so very humbling... That makes me tearful.  Another patient offered to pray for me - that made me cry.  Honestly...  We had a lovely Christmas Day... I cried. 

I like to say in my defence that I decided to come off HRT during treatment but honestly the reality is that having cancer is upsetting, going for treatment is exhausting, responding to everyone asking, "how are you feeling?" and navigating a response that doesn't leave them worried about you, is tiresome.  Crying is a positive release and I wish that I hadn't spent so much time trying to be strong or judging myself for being weak! 

All the amazing people that I've met so far on my journey via NHS and Macmillan have been so incredibly supportive and caring.  If I've been tearful, they've just been super understanding and reassured me that it's okay to cry.

So be kind to yourself Squeak - cry when you need too and we're all here to support you and each other.

Take care

Ali xoxo 

Hi Ali

Thank you so much for your words.. its thevalways being positive to family and friends that's staring to get to me.. I don't want to worry them and tell them I'm terrified.. I know I will get through it and today is just a hiccup but it's great to know I have fantastic people like you to talk too...

I hope your remaining treatment goes well and 2025 is going to be a fantastic year for you x ️ 

Oh I remember all this so well. I cried at obvious times which was sort of ok- but also at the most random times. In the supermarket- at the queue in the bank- I could go on. At the time I just felt feeble , but actually I don’t think if is. We gave all been through such a tough time and we are human. Yes there are people worse off always but each journey is individual and we have all had to look hard at our mortality during this journey, some people much earlier than they had envisaged. 
So whatever stage of diagnosis or treatment we are let’s remember that we know what we are dealing with, we are being monitored, we are lucky . I know it doesn’t always feel that way.

Happyflower xx

Thank you..it really helps reading your reply..

I've talked to my hubby about it and he was oblivious I was feeling like this today as I keep saying I'm fine and don't worry..

Anyway.. I now have my pjs on and a glass of cava so I'm feeling more chilled..

• Happy new year xx

Hi Squeak as the others have said crying is so normal plus it's a good release. I'm coming up 2 months post and I still cry sometimes and I don't even no why. Sending hugs. Xx

Thank you..First day with mascara today in months.. and looking like a panda..

Won't make that mistake again.

Xx

Squeak

You aren't silly in the least; a cancer diagnosis, the extreme fear and trepidation of what is to come go hand-in-hand.  And every so often there is a huge reality check and you had that yesterday.  BUT, once treatment starts, and even knowing that you may well have symptoms and be in pain you are more in control.  I am hopeful that knowing you are on the road to being cancer-free (in what is a short time although it may not seem like it at the time) will carry you through.

I always hesitate to give advice as what is good for one person isn't always good for another, but in this case I will.  Please don't try to be too brave for your family (I am talking about adults here).  It is an added huge stress that you can do without.  One night shortly after my diagnosis I ended up weeping in front of my daughters and they both started crying too.  And the realisation hit me that they were as terrified as me, were really struggling with my diagnosis AND were both putting on a brave face to protect me.  And we all cried together, had a huge group hug and went on to drink some wine (and felt better for it too!)  We discussed all that was to come.  Everything was out in the open and the relief for all three of us was palpable. 

You need the hugs and comfort from your loved ones and the freedom to say 'I am finding this so hard'.

Irene xx

Thank you Irene for your kind words..

Have had a few tears again reading them.. you really are so wonderful  

Hi squeak , 

I was strong as I could be before and during treatment … this forum was my safe place but anxiety and emotions crept in after , even now 61/2 months post treatment I’m a wreck some days … I coped without painkillers but now these late side effects have left me vulnerable … we are all on different journeys with the same condition .. 

look after yourself and keep positive 

Chrissie xx

Had the same effect on me! Thank you Irene. So beautifully expressed and so wise.

Happyflower xx