New here - Aotearoa based

Hi there Astralita,

Firstly I’d like to welcome you to our group although I’m so sorry that you’ve had the need to find us. The pandemic has wreaked havoc with NHS services here in the UK, including cancer services, so it’s great to hear that your treatment is underway. 

Very much like you’ve described I kept my diagnosis, treatment etc., very private & a lot of what you’ve said rang very true with me. Although I’m not in the same line of work as yourself friends, family & even work colleagues have always seen me as the ‘strong’ one, the person that supports others & I can really relate with what you say about not wanting to deal with other peoples responses, Only my close family, 5 of my closest friends & my manager at work knew what I was going through at the time. I didn’t want friends to view me differently or as ‘the friend that has cancer’, many people that  I’m in daily contact with are still unaware that I’ve had my diagnosis/treatment & I’m 3.5 years out of treatment now! I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to do this, just go with what you feel is right for you, whatever gets you through this journey with your sanity in tact is the right way for you.

Finding yourself in a vulnerable position is a very alien experience when you’re fiercely independent & used to supporting others. This group was my lifeline, it was where I received a lot of my support throughout. 

Strangely until I read your post I’d never thought of it that way but in hindsight, like you’ve described, I wasn’t ready to take on the ‘new identity’ of a cancer patient & it wasn’t until my treatment had finished & I’d had the news that it had been successful that along with relief, acceptance also came of what the whole previous 5 months had been about! Like most people I was in shock & had a whole array of emotions at diagnosis & I suppose once I’d pulled myself together after a couple of days I thought that was acceptance of my situation where now I’m not 100% sure that it was. 

During treatment I found those 5 weeks went so quickly, daily hospital visits for radiotherapy very quickly became routine & this was my life for those 5 weeks. I was off work during my treatment & returned 5.5 weeks post treatment but everyone is very different in this respect obviously dependant on the results & longer term effects of treatment & also on the kind of work you do. 

Please come back with any questions you might have, no matter how personal they may seem, I can guarantee we’ve all asked them before! or if you just feel like chatting to someone that’s been where you are now. 

Nicola 

Thanks Nicola - I really appreciate your generous response.

This may sound weird, and I'm still feeling around for the words for this.... but I've never felt my issues were 'bad enough' to deserve asking for special help, especially as I have dedicated so much of my life to helping others in need, and being 'the one on solid ground', and wanting to be grateful for all the priviledged I have. 

So now, with this diagnosis, I find myself caught between a number of uncomfortable (self-serving) perspectives -

a) if I allow / embrace the vulnerable 'I am a cancer patient' identity, what will that mean to my identity once this is over - will I have lost my 'invulnerability' magic that makes people relax and trust me? .......................... b) is this, possibly, my one and only time in my life I might be able to validly ask to be treated as special and be allowed to be selfish and indulgent? ............................... c) Is it bad for me to see this diagnosis as an *excuse* to be 'special', selfish and indulgent? ............................ d) I have always tried to be 'in credit' with others, always giving more than I get, I guess as a kind of 'insurance policy' just in case, at some point, I ever really needed to 'cash in my chips'. If I use up all my 'credit' from how much I have helped others in the past, and then things get worse (ie this initial treatment does not fix it, or post-treatment health effects get bad), will I be left with nothing to fall back on? .................................... e) Am I bad for finding myself feeling a bit of relief that at last I have an *excuse* for not being on top of things better. ..................... f) When bad stuff happens, apparently it often brings out the best in people - they 'rise up', 'find their inner strength', work out what really matters to them, re-focus their lives, become better people... but I'm feeling far from that... ........................ g) This could be the start of a really long or difficult journey, or it could all be 'over with' really quickly... if I don't get my head around it in time I could miss the opportunity to 'do' whatever it is that this experience is offering me (I'm not sure if I actually 'believe ' that, but it's a possibility).

A lot of these ways of thinking are very much contrary to my normal attitudes and values, and I feel quite uncomfortable admitting to them. My responses seem petty or immature. But it would be really helpful to find if others have been through similar processes, and can maybe share what helped them through? Is there an ideal place to post these sorts of processes to reach the right sort of people?

(I hope this is not way too intense or bizarre!)

Hi Astralita welcome to our group. Your role in life has been to support others and I can understand where you are coming from having to be strong or seen as strong. I worked for many years in mental health and heard some pretty dire stories of people’s lives and growing up with sexual and physical abuses which underneath my shield I felt like crying but you have to be there for them and not to pander if that’s the right word to your own emotions. We had a lovely colleague who found she had breast cancer and chose not to share at the time and that is was her choice. My bosses mother had breast cancer and made the mistake of sharing it in the eyes of my boss as she was not the courageous person like our lovely colleague was who didn’t . But it made me think, we are all entitled to carry this cancer burden how we choose. I think my colleague may have felt she was unable to tell people as she might have felt she didn’t deserve the sympathy. But also felt for the poor mother who did share and was shamed for doing it. Like Nicola I chose just a few friends and family members but not because I felt others would be unsympathetic but because I unfortunately have a narcissistic brother who would have loved to have heard of my cancer diagnosis. This site makes no judgement on anyone and allows you to vent feelings of why me. Lots of tips on how to get through this has been a godsend and members who you feel truly care and you are not alone in this. Good Luck

Hi again Astralita, 

Apologies for the delayed response, I’ve been at work today.

The emotional dilemmas you are having are completely normal & if ever there was a time to put yourself first that time is now, the best advice I could give you right now is do what feels right for you not what you think you should be doing or what others would expect you to do.

Not everyone finds their ‘inner strength’ when challenged with something like a cancer diagnosis, some of us crumble & need support. Also once you’re through the other side of treatment I’m sure your focus will return & you’ll begin to feel more like the ‘old you’. I’ve found my biggest challenge is regaining trust in my health & my body again, I felt really betrayed! 

I think I would worry more if someone told me that they hadn’t struggled with their emotions throughout something like this than if they admitted they have. 

As Jaycee12 has said we don’t judge anyone here & it’s a safe place when you feel the need to vent, there’s always someone here that can relate. 

Nicola