8 months post treatment

Hi squeak, 

im new here ,but just wanted to say and what a b…..your Bose must be , however let’s be kind he’s probably scared as to how he’s going to manage without you.

just take care of yourself,

Hello again Squeak, lovely to have you back on the forum. Well, going back to work after six weeks was a really tough thing to do, and I suppose people see you looking fit and healthy, and make assumptions that you are back to 'normal'.

I imagine when you see the consultant next week, you will feel a bit better; at least you should come out with some help for the symptoms you have, and I hope once you feel a bit more sorted with that, and not in pain or discomfort, you will have a different perspective.

Retiring from a job you have been in for such a long time is a daunting prospect, but you are still young enough to think of the future as the next stage in your life, and might be able to do some of the things you've always wanted to get around to, even if you just start small.

I suspect your boss has no idea you are feeling so sad about leaving; sometimes making a joke is the only way we know how to handle things and perhaps he really doesn't know what to say.

But yes, it is unkind to call you a quitter after all you have been through. Just look in the mirror and assure yourself that you are most definitely NOT a quitter.

Having said that, there is nothing actually wrong in quitting; this is about taking control of your life. Everything moves on and things change.  Even your boss will quit some day.

I wish you the very best, Squeak and hope you'll let us know how you get on with the consultant.  xxx

Hello Squeak. 

Your post, or rather the behaviour of your boss has made me so angry.  You are most definitely not a quitter and on here, we all know what you have been through and what you are going through right now with the ongoing side effects.  And for some, that is the biggest problem anal cancer patients face, when treatment is over and life goes back to 'normal' it is very much a new normal for many of us.  But some others see us back up and about and putting on a brave face and frankly, haven't a clue what is really going on. 

I, in common with most of us am very grateful for the treatment I have had that has give me clear scans for nigh on four years.  But it has come at a cost.  And the fact that you returned to work six weeks after the end of treatment just takes my breath away, I was still sprinting to the loo and then having to lie down for a couple of hours because of the throbbing in my back passage that they advised morphine again (I didn't, constipation..).

I am really sorry you have fatigue and all these aches and pains, and I do hope your consultant can help.  I know fissures are extremely painful for many of us hips, tendons and muscles all suffer too after radiotherapy.

You aren't a failure either, you are being so hard on yourself.  I hope you go on to have a long and happy retirement where you can put your feet up as much as you like and rest when you need too.

Gentle hug, Squeak, from all of us in the know.

Irene xx

Hiya Squeak. ,

It’s good to hear from you although I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling a bit at the moment. 

What an absolute twerp your boss sounds! It’s his job as your boss to support you not to make fun of what’s obviously a difficult time for you. I agree with the fact that he’s probably panicking about what he’ll do without you but regardless you must do what’s best for you.

Unfortunately I think work colleagues & even some friends & family see that you’ve returned to some kind of normality following treatment & presume everything is back to how it was pre diagnosis, how wrong could they be! They don’t see the physical discomfort we’re in when we get home from a day at work or the emotional spiral these aches & pains can send us into. I’m over 7 years post treatment now & I’m definitely living with the repercussions of the radiotherapy. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful that it did indeed get me cancer free but it’s left a legacy behind that I’m trying very hard to deal with. 

Please don’t for one moment think or let anyone else convince you that you’re a failure, you’re not! Put yourself first & if you can afford to retire then go for it, I’m 60 & if I could afford to I’d be gone tomorrow. We’re awaiting an equal pay claim that’s been going on for a few years now, it’s nearing its end & of that comes through in the next couple of years to top up my retirement pot then I’ll go. Personally after what we’ve all been through we should all retire regardless of age

I hope your appointment goes well next week. 

Thank you all for your kind words and support. 

I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow and I will keep  you all updated after speaking to consultant next week.. you  really are very special people.. thank u all so much for taking time out and talk..your support means so much ️ xx

Please tell your boss how their comments have made you feel. It’s a powerful way of giving feedback about inappropriate behaviour as they cannot refute or push back on your feelings. And maybe try describing your side effects in gory detail - sounds like they deserve to hear that! Good luck xx

Hi Squeak,

Im really sorry to hear about your situation and also completely understand your decision to retire. 
I think you were brave to go back so quickly and remember that you were still far from ok at that point. As you’re still struggling with the after effects I know what you mean about having to make a decision that puts your wellbeing first.

Your boss clearly has no idea how challenging this has been for you, to make such flippant and inappropriate comments. Clearly he’s worried about losing you but lacking the ability to express himself.

Just a random thought. You have been there for a long time, Could he offer you an unpaid sabbatical for 6 months or a year? This might give you the opportunity to recover properly and keep your options open in case you feel better further down the line.

I am in exactly the same position as you and although finished treatment a year ago have struggled with excruciating back pain since February and just can’t do it anymore. 

I know some people bounce back quickly but for many of us this diagnosis and treatment seem to have lasting effects which really impact on functioning. I am immensely grateful for the treatment but seem to have an entirely different body now and have to learn how to manage it. 

You are absolutely not a failure in any sense and please don’t think that for a moment. 

You have been through a lot and have shown such strength. 

Big hug to you xx

Hi Squeak

Im so sorry you have been going through this having cancer, dealing with the treatment and then having to cope with side effects is tough enough. It makes it so hard that people seem to assume we bounce back, the reality is more complex. You have done so well and are clearly not a quitter. I agree with some of the others you should definitely mention this to your boss or in any exit interview. 

Big hugs

X

Hi Squeak,

I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier. I'm not on the forum as much anymore and miss seeing familiar names! But I was sad to see that you are going through all that you've been going through. I'm sure your boss is just being awkward but I can understand how his words would affect you after all your time at the company and all you've been through in the last year! I'm sending you a big hug and lots of love.

I also sympathize with the fatigue and pain. I wasn't one of those people who bounced back quickly from treatment and was amazed when you went back to work at six weeks post-treatment. I think that says something about your character and how tough you are. So please--don't ever feel like a failure.

Hope you're feeling a bit better and that you've had a visit with the consultant that has offered you reassurance and symptom relief. Sending you all my best thoughts. Xo

Hi..

Had the conversation with my manager and he apologized..im just moving on and looking forward to April when I retire..( but a little bit terrified)..

I saw my consultant on Tuesday.. 7 month scan results good results..im unremarkable..which is great.. but she wants me to have a camera procedure asvim still having pain and losing blood..will keep all you lovely people informed..I have said I don't want the procedure until after Xmas.. im planning a big family get together as last Xmas was a write off..

I think I'm now just looking forward to spending family time in April..

Thank you for your responses.. they really help 

X