Staying at Friends and Families homes

Oh Julie, 

I'm so very familiar with this one. At first I was reticent about it, but it's just too big a deal. I DON"T go places unless i've got the bathroom situation ironed out in advance.

I admire how you and your husband have worked out just having a single loo! My husband has more or less abandoned the one with the bidet to me every morning, as I usually hurry in several times during my big morning mug of coffee. His shower is in that bathroom, so I do have peri bottles in each of the other 2 loos if I need to poop in them. 

If people stay overnight with us, I offer them the breezeway bathroom, which doesn't have a usable shower but is big and comfy and they can have it all to themselves. Or they can use the bidet bathroom, which is closer to the Spare Oom, but they have to share it with me for my frequent bathroom trips and nightly bath.

I avoid staying at people's houses altogether if I can possibly avoid it, and have normalized (for myself) just telling people that I have urgent and specific bathroom needs and it's just easier to deal with at a hotel. When we travel, he and i somehow manage the shared bathroom, which IS becoming easier. 

But this is life for me now, and I'm learning to be very firm about it.

Hugs

Suz

Thank you for your reply Suz. Good to know it’s not only me! X

Hi Julie , 

i totally empathise with you even though only 6 weeks post treatment … I’ve been living at my partners house since February but not at ease , toilet wise , when his family come to stay . I still have my own house to escape to at the moment but I would find it difficult staying away with his family , but not mine , if that makes sense ? 
I hope you do make new year with family .. be honest about your needs , I’m sure they understand , but it is difficult 

take care 

Chrissie xx

Thank you for your reply Chrissie. I do understand regarding staying at your families house other than your partners house. A month ago my daughter asked me to stay overnight at her house as we were babysitting my four year old granddaughter during the day until late while my daughter and husband had a trip out and an evening show in London. My daughter lives an hour away and it would have meant driving home very late in the evening which I didn’t think was fair for my husband who wanted to stay. I did feel guilty as on numerous occasions I turned down staying at my husband’s daughter’s house with her family and grown up children old enough to be aware of things like getting up early in the morning and sitting on the toilet sometimes for ten fifteen minutes straining sometimes (my poor pelvic floor which I think is too strong). They did have a situation where they only had their en suite available and a downstairs loo as they were busy doing the house up and the original bathroom was on hold which wasn’t a problem for the teens to go into mum and dads bedroom for a shower but wouldn’t have been suitable for me with lack of privacy. My step daughter found out about staying at my daughters but it wasn’t a secret or anything and understandably she was upset. Hopefully we have sorted it and at the New Year we have booked a couple of nights in a nearby hotel so we will be there but just not sleeping there. My daughter doesn’t really know of the difficulties anal cancer post treatment problems can occur as I feel we expose ourselves enough just going through the hospital system and examinations which are bad enough without telling your family about bum problems etc.

Julie

Gosh Julie , I know exactly how you feel , and to be honest , I have always felt a little uncomfortable going to the loo in a public place or with family before my diagnosis !!! 
At the moment , I have to lie down for 10 mins after using the loo and I’m still hoping to get to south of France in 2 weeks to be with family , although it’s probably unlikely ..

take care 

Chrissie xx

Yes, it's really difficult and kind of embarrassing, and I found that on the occassions I did try to explain, people were then embarrassed for me and didn't quite know how to handle it. They all knew exactly what I meant - everyone has had loo issues at some point in life, but I felt it was such an unglamourous and slightly humiliating thing to have to discuss with others, and to explain it really does just require a bit of privacy to let us get on with it.

I think it is absolutely ok for you to explain that you need your own loo for now, and if that means going home at the end of the evening or staying in a B&B, that's what you will do. They would feel the same - most humans like a bit of privacy to do this stuff.

For those in my circle who didn't seem to get it, I have said to them (joking, not joking) 'Use your imagination!' 

All the best Julie

Oh Julie

I hear you!  Sometimes you just have to share with people the difficulties you have as unless they know, they think that everything is hunky dory and your life is back to normal.  Of course we all know that that isn't necessarily the case.  When I stayed with my daughter whilst my husband was away the whole family knew they had to vacate the bathrooms immediately if I needed to go.  But I still fretted thinking what if they just can't?  By then it would be too late for me!

It is such a balancing act keeping stools soft enough to go comfortably but not to compromise yourself with extreme urgency and one that I struggled with all the time.  And first thing in the morning and until well after midday.  I had to be open with many people and friends as there were so many occasions that I just couldn't go out.  Good friends asked us to go on holiday with them and I couldn't think of anything worse!

The routine of going to the loo 'normally' is something that we all took for granted BC and sometimes it is hard not to hark back to those days.  I have mentioned on here before that my sister and I used to compare notes about our very elderly mother/mothers-in-law constantly talking about their loo habits and oh boy, our laughter has come back to haunt me.

Big hug

Irene

We hear you Julie! ( Jaycee12 )

I think many of us can sympathise with your predicament & although I don’t suffer with frequent bowel movements per day (I’ve luckily settled into a once in the morning kinda gal) it can be different every day I go, when it’s more difficult I can be in the loo for quite some time then other times I’m literally in & out. One thing it has gifted me with, like with many that have been through this diagnosis & subsequent treatments, is a level of IBS, this often leaves me with bloating & gas which can be pretty smelly on times! I’ve tried to work out if this is connected to certain foods but it seems to be pretty random except for onion, bread, coffee & too much sugar. 

I’ve never been comfortable using someone else’s or public toilets at the best of times, I’ve had to a couple of times since I’ve had my treatment, I’ve only ever been able to relax enough to go on my own loo or at my parents house! 

My youngest daughters boyfriend stays at our house once or twice a week & I find myself trying to hold off going to the loo until he’s gone off to work or they head out for the day, it’s ridiculous really as I generally end up with a tummy ache, for what? we all have to go & it’s a normal bodily function! Myself & my friends go away for a weekend 3 or 4 times a year, we generally hire a big house somewhere from the Friday to Monday, there can be up to 20 of us but only possibly half of those know about my diagnosis & treatment but strangely enough I’m ok then & can quite comfortably use the bathroom without worrying. 

I’m so pleased you started this thread Julie as it highlights both the physical & psychological impact this whole journey can have on us for years to come when others, even sometimes our loved ones, think once you’re through the other side everything goes back to the way it was.

Nicola