Awaiting start

That's a really tough choice, and so hard to know in retrospect what I'd do since now I know firsthand how radiation affects me. My cancer was so small I may have taken a pass. My side effects weren't as bad as some I've read about here, but bad enough that I shrink away from the very thought of them being worse.

This is the sort of thing that makes me pull out my tarot cards!

Hugs

Suz

Carole

I am quite shocked that your oncologist said that to you!  I would have been tearful too, everything is stressful enough without a huge sense of foreboding put in your mind by the person who apparently has your interests at heart.  I have read on further about your decision not to have the increased radiotherapy, all I can say is that is the decision I would have made too.

Thinking of you.

Irene xx

Just do what you think is right for you Carole, whichever route you choose remember we’ll be here to support you whenever you need us. 

Nicola 

Hi all, I now have some dates: pre treatment appointment on 17 March and first treatment starts 20 March.  Its been an up and down few days.  I was just in shock for first couple of days after seeing consultant because he was telling me directly - even though I'd read all the stuff previously. I did a days work on Thursday which made me feel so much better - I felt a normal person rather than someone waiting for cancer treatment.  Today I've struggled and don't really know why but it all just seems too much and I can't think straight, can't be bothered with things and just feel miserable.  I thought well I could go on holiday for a week - somewhere with sun but I can't get my head around any kind of decision. Where etc! I also feel so vulnerable and don't know if I could cope going away on own and possibly be miserable sitting in sun. Lol. I know it sounds pathetic but having trouble being positive.  Is this normal?

Carole

Hi Carole Cranford ,

I'm pleased you have some dates to focus on now although I know only too well that ‘focus’ won’t be in your vocabulary right now!! I had literally zero concentration & had to make a real effort to keep myself busy until my treatment started when all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball in disbelief of what was happening to me. I did jobs at home that I thought I might not feel like doing while having my treatment, I batch cooked some meals to put down in the freezer for if I couldn’t be bothered cooking, I made sure the cupboards were well stocked & had a couple of days out shopping with my daughter, anything at all to try & keep my mind busy. I was so scared of starting treatment also but once I’d got that first day out of the way I started to relax a bit, it soon became routine going for the daily appointments & the reality wasn’t nearly as bad as I expecting. So please don’t think that the way you’re feeling is anything other than normal, we all process things differently so there’s no right or wrong way to feel right now. 

Nicola 

Oh Carole, I so well remember this feeling, of being lost and adrift and as if I should be doing Important Things but not able to focus enough to do much of anything useful. You're not one iota pathetic, and yes, this is something most of us struggle with, I think. 

One thing I've taken away from the experience, for good or ill, is to live very much in the moment. It's  PITA when it comes to making plans, which we all have to do, but I still have a hard time with it. A day or two ahead is about all I want to think about. 

Can you do that for the next couple of weeks? Be efficient sporadically, but give into impulse whenever possible? If your Little Girl Self is craving a walk, or a piece of cake, or a nap, or a shopping spree with girlfriends, indulge her. Just a bit. Just for now. If you can give yourself a lot of moments of cheerfulness during the day, hopefully they can string together into a Good Day.

This is so out of our experience, it's bewildering trying to cope. Do your best but be very, very lenient with yourself.

Hugs

Suz

Hi therr .hope your feeling a little better .i felt like that for a few weeks .honestly i am one week postvtreatment and i feel ok a little sore but they will look after you i promisevyou thatctakecarex

Carole, mentally, nothing will be quite as bad as the early days when you are in limbo; waiting for treatment, not knowing what lies ahead and full of trepidation.  Although the treatment can be very taxing, at least things are moving in the right direction and it really is a means to an end.  What you are saying and your description of your feelings is familiar to all of us, I don't know anyone who would feel positive after a cancer diagnosis.  Just do what you feel you can comfortably do in the next three weeks.  Once treatment started I used to count off the days, and they went really quickly.  Every milestone (a week, two weeks, halfway) was a mental celebration.  Be very kind to yourself and just do what you feel up to doing.  And any time at all, we are all here with a listening ear, we have been through it and we know.

Irene xx

So everything is now in place. I had my CT prep on Wed and 3 permanent marks  marking the spot to aim for.  I've also been given the whole schedule of appointments for next 6/7 weeks which is very daunting - especially as the RT will all be late afternoon and negotiating traffic in Bristol will be a nightmare - although my ex will mostly be driving me.- which is very very kind of him!  The one thing that really freaked me out was learning about the PICC line and what it is.  The thought of it being threaded up my arm to my heart and staying there all the time just makes me panic. I never blink an eye about blood tests so it feels unreasonable to react like this! 

Each time I have an appointment I go into shock after and then spend a couple of days adjusting to it.  I'm getting headaches a lot which I guess is stress. Everyone says one day at a time and yeah I know but but!!  Am flying to northern Ireland for next weekend to see a friend and boy I need that break!

Hi Carole Cranford ,

As daunting as it all feels you’re another step closer now, I know that doesn’t necessarily seem like a positive thing right now but this will hopefully be the beginning of the end of the beastie that lies within!! I completely sympathise with the description you give of going into shock at each appointment & taking a couple of days to adjust again I think that happened to many of us. The headaches I agree will most probably be due to stress, I remember it well. Personally I didn’t get a PICC line, my chemo was delivered via a cannula in my hand day 1 (short infusion) then tablet form twice daily each further day of radiotherapy. 

I hope you have a lovely time in Ireland visiting your friend, it’ll probably do you the world of good, it’ll hopefully help you reset a little.

Nicola