My dad has been given weeks, it’s killing me watching him deteriorate

It’s such a tough time and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to support your dad and spend time with him. My dad died of prostate cancer with bone metastasis in 2009. He was 73 and I was his live-in carer (also for my mum who had Alzheimer’s). A long time ago now, but I still remember how sad the last weeks were as his world got smaller. You say you are an only child but are there other family there as well so you can support each other? A big help for me was my sister-in-law in Australia who rang me every morning for a chat: knowing I could offload to her mattered a lot and helped me get through each day. I cried a lot too, especially at night. Sending hugs.

I’m sorry to hear you went through the same thing. How are you coping now? 
I have my sons, although I tend to hide a lot of my emotions from them and also my husband, although he doesn’t like me crying or being upset! I speak a lot to my auntie (dads sister ) she is amazing and wouldn’t know what to without her. 
May mum is in denial,I therefore find it difficult to talk about dads deterioration with her. 

can I ask how long did your dad suffer? Do my dad’s symptoms sound familiar? 

Hi, I’m now caring for my husband who has bladder cancer with lung metastasis. At least it’s not unchartered territory this time, though it’s just as tough emotionally.
I think every person who has cancer, even if it’s the same type, has a different experience, so my father’s symptoms weren’t much like the ones your dad is experiencing. He was diagnosed with metastasis 12 years before he died (he had his prostate removed when he was 61 and the biopsy showed it had spread) so he lived with it for a long time and it was only in the last 18 months of his life that it began to affect him. I can’t remember the science now, but the bone metastasis affected his white cells (?? not 100% sure: my dad worked all his life in the blood transfusion service and he paid close attention to his blood test results and had detailed discussions with his oncologist which I had trouble following!) and he had regular transfusions. The transfusions kept him going until they didn’t and that’s when I was told that it would be “weeks, not months”. He was in some discomfort but mostly just got weaker and more tired over about 6 weeks, with hardly any appetite. Hospice was an option but he wanted to stay at home and, although he needed a lot of care it wasn’t nursing care but personal care, so I felt I could do that myself. Once he was mostly in bed, carers came every morning and evening and I asked for a night-sitter the last 2 weeks as he got quite agitated at night and I needed my sleep for the day (bearing in mind I had my mum to look after too). My husband (who was supportive but hated to see me cry too!) came to stay for what turned out to be the last week of my dad’s life which was great as he could do stuff with my mum who really didn’t understand what was happening.

It’s a shame, though understandable, that your mum isn’t able to talk things over with you. So glad you’ve got your aunt to support you - we need all the help we can get! Hugs.

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear this and have only just read your post. 

I can definitely relate to what you’re going through. My father is on a hospital bed in my dining room as he is no longer mobile and it’s heartbreaking to see. We have carers four times a day like your father. I sleep with a baby monitor by my bed so can hear and see my dad at night as the care company gave it me. I haven’t slept properly in over a month. It is both mentally and physically exhausting. 

I don’t know how many weeks he has left and the palliative team don’t think he’ll be here at Christmas so it does sound like we’re going through a similar experience and I send my best wishes for you as this is just the most difficult thing I have ever been through. 

Thankfully my husband and two grown up kids are very supportive and helpful. My brother isn’t doing or saying much which is frustrating. 

Juggling work is so hard and I’ve handed in my notice and I’m working from home until I can finally finish. It all feels so much that I’ve just felt I want to make big life changes. 

My focus is on giving my dad comfort, a loving environment and avoiding him being in a medical setting. Everyone tells me I’m doing a great job yet I feel broken. My dad needs a lot of care and can be demanding at times but I know the illness is also changing him. 

Nobody would choose this situation. It’s just so cruel. 

We will come out of this the other end and it’s important to look after yourself too.

Do take care. 

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through too .

my dad had a driver yesterday and is now sleeping constantly. I think it will be a matter of days if not hours . 
we are taking it in turns to sleep , that way someone is with dad all the time . 

im just so heartbroken and scared , I often think how has it got to this ? The years have just flown by and now I’m loosing my hero , my best friend , my dad .

We are keeping it as family only , my friend messaged me last night asking if they can come round to see my dad with their young children and I don’t want that if I’m honest . 
it’s nothing personal just feel like it’s now a family time since his deterioration.

i do hope your getting some rest , help and support ? 

take care of yourself 

x

Life is so cruel , to think you had to go through this with your father and now your husband, sending you hugs .

i hope your getting some support 

x

I really feel for you. It does sound like things are progressing fast for your dad now with the driver. You must feel exhausted with lack of sleep. That’s the hardest when you’re not rested with so much to cope with. 

I also think how has it got to this, and is this really happening. It’s so surreal my dad in bed in my dining room and sleeping so much, yet he’s still got a very sharp brain. I’ve no idea how long this will go on for. It’s not fair on my dad, above all else. 

I dread the end happening. I don’t want to remember this awful time as I want to be able to focus on all the happy memories we have. Yet for now we just need to get through it. 

Please know you’re not alone. We’re going through a huge challenge and we’re both fortunate to think the world of our dads and that is precious. Sending you strength. 

Hello there. I’m sorry to read about your situation with your dad. I’m also an only child but have a great support network around me. Is there any friends/family/other half’s who could support you? Your local community might have some resources and support groups for yourself and your family.