Mixed Emotions.

I think we all could be holders of a degree after the things we endure. PTSD is what I psychological team say I have from childhood and my current situation. Tom is sleeping mostly. Slurring. Confused. Cannot go for walks any more. Anxious. Calling out to me all through night. On Christmas, I had to allow his three children and grandchildren into the house. I set up living room so he was separate. Windows open. My son and I I’m bed all day watching tv to isolate, so his kids could spend a last Christmas. He told me when he would pretend to fall asleep on them. As he really just wanted Christmas alone with me having a cuddle. I have been made to feel by his kids nothing more than a carer. Not one of them considered my son and I and how we both are caring for Tom. Yes it’s hard seeing someone already gone and still here.

the toilet side of things makes me wretch. He is unable to keep clean. 
it’s bloody awlful

I hate to say that your stories are heartwarming because they are completely and utterly the opposite but I am comforted that I am not the only one in this position and having these awful sad and conflicting feelings

Partner was diagnosed only 10 weeks ago and I dont think he has 2 weeks left in him now. We have teenage boys taking gcses that were home educated by my partner, so this loss is huge for our family. I also hate eating knowing that he is in the other room unable to and in pain. And sadly I have very little help (bloody coronavirus). It feels so bloody lonely and I although Id love to talk to people on the phone it is so difficult as Im trying to stay strong for my sons and dont want to end up in a heap on the floor.

Up until this week I was praying for a miracle and he was doing every off label drug/supplement/therapy that I could get hold of. Not this week. He is in bed 24/7, vomits, doesnt eat and has lost 20kg in 2 months. Its vicious.

And like you all, I have these bloody awful conflicting feelings of just let me sleep/what now?/hurry up! 

Trying to hold onto the fact that I believe we are all eternal, and that peace comes to us all. But shit this is hard and painful.

Tomslove, you are a hero. Remember the good times, much love 

Poor Tomslove, my partner went into a hospice, just after Xmas when awful things happened. I almost wept with relief I slept like a baby I felt the house free  and peaceful. Then because of the virus I couldnt visit and I was utterly sad for him but relieved for myself because Im trying to distance... what conflicting feelings.  I phone and he is too weak to talk and if I talk he doesn't answer.  And then the doctor said that if he goes longer than 10 days they will have to send him back home

I told the hospice I would go crazy, like you I cannot bear the toilet side and the vomiting, my heart goes out to him my heart is broken for him, but I want it to end. I want to mourn and be done with this. I want to hole 
Absolutely we have PTSD some of us are not made for mopping up the effects of cancer, it doesn't make us bad people just human. Some people can, but they cant do the other things that I can.

you are right, they've gone but still here. Ive been making funeral plans, something I was putting off  so it isnt another thing to stress about. Im sorry that his kids arent kinder to you. I hope you have friends you can talk to

My husband lost 80lbs over the course of 10 months and is a skeleton, he hasnt kept anything down for over 2 weeks other than water, but he just carries on, and on, and on, the body is an amazing thing it fights for life. We tried all the alternative remedies homeopathy , odd therapies, DCA, artemisen, frankinsense, oxygen therapy,  Cannabidiol he just poisoned himself and the snake oil people took money off him (and me by default) and made him believe that they would cure him. I could see through them and challenged them on their results - OK let us talk to someone you have cured - but it just made my husband call me a negative influence and a wedge went between us.

 research even tells us that diets dont really make a difference but you have these people trying to dissuade a sick person not to eat sugar when it is the only thing that they can tolerate, a bit of ice cream.  Thats the other dirty side of cancer than can crucify a carer. Im sorry for your own suffering Sillysando, sending love also,

Morning 

Its just so hard reading all your stories and then realising I'm complaining about Nothing.

So what we only go on a 15 min round the houses walk. Its a walk. Hes currently showering etc to start work (in the study,  hes IT manager)

I should think myself Bloody Lucky!!

We did discuss how I was feeling last week.  I described it as a Caged Animal. The feeling is so deep that I feel it physically as well as emotionally. 

I know there will be worse to come. I dread those days as when kids were young he was the cleaner up of sickness while I washed the little ones he washed the bedding, floors etc

Even just before diagnosis my mum had a stroke at home and was sick on herself and the bed - once she'd been taken to hospita, he was the one washing the carpet!!

I'll be awful......... I just know it 

Stay strong all you warriors  

Hi Snoopy you dont know how it will be. Some people pass quickly and some have a drawn out illness. This time 6 months ago my husband was also walking a little and he didnt have any symptoms, even though the cancer was there, and it was summertime. You are losing a massive helpmate it seems, of course you would feel bad.

You know what though;  imagine living with someone who has dementia.  We are being spared that. That helps me to deal with some of the horrible things that are happening now. But this thinking doesnt help younger people like Tomslove to deal with their situation and unhelpful stepchildren.. 

I agree we are all warriors, and I think carers need help to deal with their own feelings about supporting a person with cancer and other  destructive illnesses. Ive realised its absolutely OK to wish it over and done with, and that is for their sake too.

If you cant deal with things, get social services involved. If you keep at it, then you will get help.

Reading all of these makes sense of how I’m starting to feel. It’s very early days for us as we were only told in December that my hubby’s  prostate cancer (that we thought was cured in January) had come back with a vengeance and had spread to liver, lungs, bones and lymph glands.  
People ask me how I am and I genuinely can’t answer because I don’t know how I feel. The mixed emotions post really resonates. I am a very positive person normally: “my glass is always full even if it’s only half full of liquid the half is full of air” but I’m struggling to find any positives at the minute. We will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary and Daves 60th birthday this year but part of me dubious whether that will happen because the cancer seems to be gathering serious momentum and I can’t see flaming Covid being gone by June. 
We have loads of good friends and very supportive family but I still feel incredibly alone. 
Im going to try to keep in mind the rainbows as these has a double whammy for me: it also reminds me of a beautiful day we had on a holiday when we saw the brightest rainbow ever.