I have joined as I am rather upset. My husband and I are both 80 years old. My husband has had prostate cancer - about 10 years ago now. The cancer is dormant. He has COPD and he has been treated for Multiple Myeloma for the last 3 years. The last 2 treatments stopped working and the cancer numbers have gone back to about where they were when he was first diagnosed. He has just started a new treatment that is supposed to be very good with good results. He started it yesterday, Monday. Today he is verbally aggressive. I read the leaflet on the treatment and it did say personality changes. He has always been rather verbally agressive. He blames me for many things when they go wrong in his life. He told the paramedics that I am never ill as if I was supposed to be ill just to make him feel better. Then a long time ago when I was ill, which is rare, he said I was always ill. His mother was always ill. His mother passed away due t alcoholism and his father passed away with bowel cancer. Anyway he is verbally agressive and turns things around. For example he forgot to drink water today and he came down stairs I suggested he drinks some water and he said he had just rememebred and so I sort of praised him for remembering (although probably worded it wrong) and he said I was being sarcastic. He talks to himself and is verbally abusive to himself and then accuses me of doing it. That is 'getting on at him' I think his parents always got on at him. I do not want to get older suddenly just because of his treatment towards me. I am fit and I used to walk 5 or 6 miles a day but my dog was recently diagnosed with having had a mini stroke. Also with the hot weather it is difficult to take him out as much. The thing is that my husband is ill and I do not want to go downhill because of his illness. I write books and am trying to learn the piano but recently seem to have put my life on hold. I know my husband has also put his life on hold. Thanks for listening.
Hello ‘Tinkerbelle’
My name is Lizzie and I work in the Online Community here at Macmillan. Our team looks after the Online Community, helping to ensure it remains a safe, welcoming and supportive space for everyone.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing verbal abuse while your husband is receiving treatment. Coping with a loved one's cancer diagnosis is incredibly difficult on its own, and having to deal with abuse at the same time must feel overwhelming. Thank you for sharing what's been happening with us.
Please remember to be kind to yourself during this time. It's understandable if everything feels like a lot to carry, and taking things one step at a time is more than enough. If you feel comfortable sharing, do you have any support from family or friends around you at the moment? We just want to make sure you have people you can turn to and that you're not facing this by yourself.
I'm sure other members of the Community will be along soon to offer support, share their own experiences and let you know that you're not alone. In the meantime, I wanted to reach out and share a few sources of support that you may find helpful.
Alongside the support available here in the Online Community, you're always welcome to speak with one of the specialist teams on the Macmillan Support Line. They're available every day from 8am to 8pm on 0808 808 00 00, and you can also contact them by email or through our live webchat during opening hours.
If you'd like to speak to someone about the verbal abuse you're experiencing, you may find Hourglass particularly helpful. They specialise in supporting older people experiencing abuse, harm or neglect, and some people find it easier to contact them because their service is specifically focused on older adults. Their confidential helpline is available on 0808 808 8141.
You can also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247, where trained advisers can offer confidential support and help you explore your options.
If at any point you feel physically unsafe or that you're in immediate danger, please call 999 straight away.
If you feel able to, it may also be helpful to speak with your GP about everything you're going through. They can offer support with how you're feeling emotionally and discuss the options available to help you during this difficult time.
Please remember that you don't have to face this alone. We're really glad you've reached out, and we hope you find the care, support and reassurance you need from both the Community and the services available to you.
Take care,
Best wishes,
Lizzie
Macmillan Online Community Team
