Newbie

Hi, new to the community,

not new too cancer, lost my son to lung cancer in 2020, he was 28, he fought for 9 years,

I was diagnosed with jaw cancer in 2017, 

when I came out of my 1st surgery I didn’t want him to see me, but he came anyway,, he held my hand and said to me, dad you’ve been there every step of my cancer , now it’s my turn to be here for you,

it broke my heart’ when I lost him, I felt empty and guilty, simply because I was still here,,

The surgeons hacked me to bits, had my face peeled off and stitched back four times in total, with various titanium implants which have failed time and time again, presently there waiting on my go ahead for more surgery and I just can’t do it, I’ve had enough and at 57 I just don’t think I can take more surgery, the other thing is, I’m on my 9th year now, just like my boy was and I just keep wondering will I make my tenth year, I’m paranoid it’s gonna come back, I can’t sleep and feel tired all the time,, is it my age I ask myself or something else,, 

mum really hoping I’m not alone, and I’m not the only one that feels like this,, I’ve separated from my girlfriend 4 months ago and the single life really isn’t agreeing with me,, I feel I have no purpose anymore, 

even typing this I feel like I just need to man up and be grateful I’m still here, I’ve refused counselling thinking I’ll be ok,but am I ? ‍♂️

thanks for reading, all the best