Carrying Years of Loss While Raising a Child – Looking for Advice

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life recently, and I wanted to share my journey to get some perspective.

I’m 31 years old. When I was very young (I think around 5years old), my mum married a man who struggled with alcohol and drugs. While he was always kind to me, I witnessed a lot of arguments at home, which was very upsetting and due to this I’ve never been comfortable with shouting or conflict. My biological dad has also struggled with addiction, later on in my life. On top of that, I experienced multiple major illnesses and losses in my family: at 12 years old my paternal Grandma was diagnosed with cancer and passed away very quickly after (13 days). A year later my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went into remission after around 18 months of operations, chemo, radiotherapy and being very ill. It was around this time, my biological dads addictions began. I lost contact with him for a number of months after multiple ‘I’m better’ and then he was back on the drink/drugs a day later. My dad is still drinking and taking painkillers but not to the extent as previously. Years later, on the same day my maternal grandfather received a terminal lung cancer diagnosis and my mum was given a terminal secondary breast cancer diagnosis, confirmed to have spread to her brain. A number of weeks later it was confirmed my maternal grandma had bladder cancer. She has luckily survived. In the months after their diagnosis, I suffered a miscarriage. I got pregnant again quickly afterwards. My grandad died around 10 months after diagnosis and my mum died when my son was just three months old.

Despite all of this, I’ve been lucky to have some really meaningful and happy experiences too. My mum, stepdad and dad made sure I had opportunities - school trips, days out, holidays. Me and my mum even horses, along with a multitude of other pets. I have amazing childhood memories with my biological dad prior to his addiction and a strong bond with my younger half-brother (my dads son). Now, I’m grateful to have a supportive fiancé who I have my son with and we’ve built a life together. When I consider the life I have, in comparison to what I had, I know I should be proud of myself  

Looking back, my life has been a mix of deeply difficult times and wonderful moments. Both have shaped who I am today and influence how I navigate parenthood, relationships, and day-to-day life, in both positive and negative ways.

I’m sharing this because sometimes I feel overwhelmed and angry by everything I’ve been through. I feel sad I can’t share my life with my parents and angry they aren’t there to support me. I don’t think I processed the loss of my mum, grandad and all the hurt (trauma is probably a better word but I perhaps dont want to admit it) I’ve suffered. I guess I’m wondering if anyone has advice on ways to process all this and that im not wrong for feeling the way I do. I’m trying to build a better life for my family but the waves of self pity sometimes get me down. I tried counselling when my dad’s addition was at its peak but I always felt worse after each session and so never picked it up again. I am not on antidepressants and don’t feel I need to be. I don’t feel sad/depressed all the time, just in moments of reflection.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It has already made me feel slightly better writing all this down!