A year in and finding it difficult to cope

I don't know what it's like to live with someone who has a cancer diagnosis, but I'm guessing it is worse than being the one with cancer. I'm finding it difficult to manage my partner, to speak to her about my cancer and my feelings. I suppose it is my fault from the outset.

Last year I was feeling tired. I had put it down to work, which was busy, and the inevitable progress of age. At the start of the year I had a regular blood test to check my cholesterol levels, and it picked up very low vitamin d levels. The vitamin d supplements helped over the early part of the year, but it was mainly when I went running that it didn't feel quite right. I felt I was just being a hypochondriac, but persisted with the doctor. I didn't tell my partner because I didn't want her to worry, and I mainly thought it was just in my mind. The tests and scan would prove that there was nothing wrong. And the first ones did.

But I persisted and a scan showed there was. A massive tumour on my kidney. No actual symptoms.

It was removed in January, and the two follow up scans and tests were all clear. I felt better in myself. My next scan is in January.

But now I'm not quite so sure. I re-started vitamin d supplements, and I have noticed that it has improved my energy levels (I stopped them in the summer as I spend quite a lot of time outdoors). I'm imagining aches in my stomach again. And my weight is slightly dropping off (although that might be because I'm eating more healthily and running more).

But I can't talk to my partner about it without it descending into an argument. She is obviously afraid, but she won't get passed the fact that I went for tests last year without telling her. Now I can't go to the doctor without telling her, but I can't explain why I just want to get reassurance that nothing is wrong. Or maybe not.

I know I am retreating into myself and I don't have anyone to talk to about it.