Struggling to tell my mum and brother about cancer diagnosis

I began writing this, 2 days ago, just before then during my second round of chemotherapy for stomach cancer.

I know I need to tell my brother but even the thought of speaking with him and my mum trigger flashbacks to their goading, teasing, gaslighting, emotional blackmail and general unkindness towards me. I was born ‘on doctors’ orders -  a ‘rainbow child’ following the death of my sibling at 2 days old, 22 months previously. I lost another brother some years later to a life shortening condition. Although I have compassion and sympathy for my mum and eldest brother – this period was terrible for them too, I do not feel love for them or feel I received it. I have always felt like an outsider both within the family and in the wider world.     

The memories and images create emotional and physical feelings within my body. There in an unnerving, low pitch, 'drumming' in my thorax area coming from my cancer area, "Dom ! dom ! dom", a fast beat reverberating around my upper body, reaching my ears. I feel slightly sick and wanting to cry, even affecting my will to live.  

It's worth noting that the feelings reoccur as I write this now.- I'm also struggling to spell correctly - or find the right words, so it's taking a while to write  !!

The cancer diagnosis yet another obstacle to climb over the last seven years (excuse the pun, I must have broken a mirror sometime in 2018)

My 16 year office ‘career’ had come to a standstill (a repeat of a 15 year office ‘career” some years earlier). I suffered multiple depressive episodes. Eventually, I was granted voluntary redundancy. At the time I was in year one of a 3-year professional diploma and planned to use the redundancy to buy me some time to retrain in a different career.

However, a week later my husband (who I helped through alcohol addiction in the past) announced that our marriage was over, he admitted adultery and he started drinking again, which, again, I supported him through, in addition to finding somewhere else to live and putting my course on hold.

In 2023 I moved into rental accommodation. Shortly after moving in my brother called, urgently in need of help with my mother who losing mental capacity and now lives in a care home.  As alluded to earlier. I struggle with my family dynamic so took on the more practical side of things relating to health, welfare, financial arrangements etc.  

I apologise for the long introduction to my message but I’m wondering if someone out there had experiences dealing with this sort of dilemma. Both my brother and I have lasting power of attorney however, so far, it’s just me dealing with the bills etc and my brother visiting my mum.

I live over 200 miles away and visit infrequently, which I’m happy about as I struggle massively communicating with either of them – sounds harsh but unfortunately, it’s true.

I chose not to tell my mum or my bother about my marriage breakdown, especially as the timing was close to her mental decline and my personal reasons. However now I have the additional complication of my a cancer diagnosis (which I’m dreading opening up about – up to and including them wanting to see me with my hair loss so they can laugh at me and make silly comments…  and the need to somehow get my brother to come on board with the LPA requirements.  

To end with something positive. I am living in a small friendly village and feel I am learning better ways to interact with others. I have my dog and am determined to complete my course – although I’ve just year 2 on hold due to my cancer treatment.