Hubby has a cystoscopy on Tuesday.
We're hoping and praying it's just an enlarged prostate causing his problems but obviously it's always there that it could be something worse.
It's like a roller coaster ride of emotions at the moment and the nearer Tuesday gets the worse it gets. I'm an overthinker so my mind is working overtime.
On top of all this I am celebrating a big birthday this month ( I hate birthdays nowadays and can't cope with getting older)
I am worried about my job at the moment
I'm still grieving for my Dad who I lost 2 years ago ( should I still be grieving? )
For the last 6 years something bad has happened every year ( including a cancer scare with hubby just 3 years ago - which was fine in the end )
I guess I just need someone to say pull yourself together or give me a hug or both.
Hi Worried03 and I am sorry to hear about the challenges you and your husband are having.
The diagnostic journey can be ever so challenging but I do see that you have already joined and been posts in some of our…….. Cancer Specific Groups
These groups are safe places to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support from family members who are navigating the same journey.
I have been on my journey with 2 very rare (one incurable) types of T-Cell Non Hodgkin’s Lymphomas for over 25 years…… but over the past 2 years I was tested for Bowel Cancer, Bladder Cancer and Prostate Cancer…… but I am pleased to say that nothing other than enlarged Prostate has been found 
Talking can help a lot…… the Macmillan Support Line is open between 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00…… this service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, or just a listening ear.
As for the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your hubby and indeed yourself you may benefit from joining and posting in our……..
……support group where you will connect with others navigating the same support challenges.
Talking to people ‘face to face’ can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing.
Do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community…….. and this us that ((hug)) you were looking for.
Hi,
Lots of 
coming your way!
I can kind of relate to the something bad happening every year. In fact when people say at New Year, "glad that year's over - next year can't be any worse" I always think to myself, oh yes it can!! I suspect this has something to do with getting older...more things can - and do - go wrong, in all kinds of ways.
I am generally a very positive person though - but I do overthink things quite a lot! I even lose sleep by doing this, at times.
And as for big birthdays....I had a landmark one in June 2020. I couldn't see anyone or celebrate with anyone as we were still in Lockdown. I spent it sitting in the sun in the garden (the three-month long heatwave was a blessing) with my dogs, drinking a small bottle of champagne someone had given me at Christmas, and eating a Christmas cake I had left over from Christmas, in lieu of a birthday cake!! At least I didn't fare quite as badly as someone else I know, who had her same landmark birthday in March 2020 and her hubby had treated her to her first-ever cruise....and it had to be cancelled!! She was gutted!
Sometimes - often in fact - Life throws stuff at us that all seems to come at once, and therefore is very overwhelming.
One thing that struck me in your post is that you feel perhaps you shouldn't still be grieving over your dad after two years. Two years is early, in terms of grief! You have gone through the initial numbness, maybe come through the anger, the "why?!" stage...but grief can continue for much longer than two years and yes it's perfectly normal to still be grieving two years in. There are so many levels of grief. When my mum died, because I had been living 200 miles away for many years it took me a long time to even get through the initial acceptance that she was no longer where I expected her to be and where she had always been. Then I started the grieving journey. A counsellor identified as long as 9 years later that I had "unresolved grief" still there! So yes, two years is early days so don't feel that your grief is unusual. It is very, very normal.
I hate getting older too! Not in looks - I always said I was going to "go gracefully grey" and I have never dyed my hair ever. I just don't like the drop in energy levels, the fact that I no longer dare go horse riding or ice skating in case I break a bone when I fall, and my creeping arthritis. But inside, I am still young...what people say is true, that you still feel a young person even when inside an older body. I still feel and think like I did when I was in my twenties! I've just had to accept my body now has limitations it never used to have.
I hope your husband's cystoscopy will go ok and will be thinking of him and you on Tuesday, as I completely understand your worries. So many men seem to have enlarged prostates and are successfully treated for this. Indeed, he is in good company with His Majesty our King!!
IF it does turn out to be something worse, then he will be in good hands and an individual treatment plan will be devised for him. But he hasn't got to that yet, so you still have lots of hope. And even if it were something more sinister, there is still lots of hope. There are so many people on these forums living a good life with severe or even multiple major health issues, and there is always hope because there are so many treatments nowadays, and even more being trialled all the time.
So far, I have had two cancers, each with an excellent outcome. Plus, another cancer scare before those, that turned out to be unfounded - and wow, what a relief that one was!! So I am learning with each health issue, to turn my anxiety into positivity by not dwelling on the worst that might be, but on the best case scenario. I say, "learning" because, it's not easy when you are inclined to overthink these things anyway, but it's doable.
Sending you loads more and good wishes for Tuesday. You can do this!
Hi Angela and welcome.
I'm so sorry your husband has had this diagnosis. I don't really know anything about throat cancer so cannot share any experiences of that specifically, but any time of diagnosis is very scary because we are in the Unknown and that in itself is scary.
Once he has had his scans, you should have a better idea what you are dealing with and at that point, there will be a treatment plan put in place for him and you can both start to move forward into this "new normal".
The one thing to remember at the moment is that modern medicine has come on a thousand per cent in the last few decades. There are people on these forums who have cancer that has spread to several places in their body, they are under treatment but they are still here often years later, as the treatment is often successful in giving them years of quality life.
I am a glass half full person but I do sometimes lose my positivity a bit, and then have to remind myself to always keep that hope in my mind that things will be better. Your husband's diagnosis is very new, and you have a potentially long journey ahead of you both, but try and see this as one of life's challenges and one that you can both embrace. In that way, you will feel that to some extent you are in control, and this is a positive thing when faced with something unexpected and unwelcome.
Keep us posted if you can...sending you both hugs
