Hi there,
My family have recently been hit with the news that my beloved nan has been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately it's stage 4 as it has already spread to her liver. She's opted to not have have chemo in order to avoid the horrific side effects, which I totally understand and respect, but it means that she only has 3 months left. Plus the fact that she lives 3hrs away makes it even harder.
My pap, her husband, isn't coping. By not being in control of the situation, he's freaking out, trying to do everything, learning to cook and clean. Not to mention, he's got it at both barrels as alongside his wife being unable to fight the cancer, his brother is currently undergoing chemo for Prostate cancer. They been married for over 50 yrs, and I'm scared at what's gonna happen when she's gone. He has a hobby at the local bowl's club, but what if it's not enough??
My mum is a mess. She's trying to be strong for me and my brother, but I can tell she's really struggling. I've told her countless times that I'm here for her, anything I can do to help, like walking the dogs and taking my brother to college, or even if it's just to talk, but she won't budge. I just wish that she'd let me in instead of treating me like a child. We've always had a difficult relationship, but when we hugged after she broke the news, she had my head in her hand, and I had never squeezed her so tight. On the bright side, I'm glad she has my stepdad cause no matter what, he always finds a way to make her laugh.
In all of this, my brother is who I'm most concerned about. He's 22yrs old, but he's also autistic. He still lives in the family home, I moved out 6yrs ago. He was there alongside myself when my mum broke the bad news to us. He said he understands what this situation means, however didn't shed a tear like the rest of us and just carried on with his chores. I understand he needs his routine and probably doesn't understand fully, but I fear that this is gonna hit him after she's gone and doesn't know how to handle his emotions. When our great grandmother passed away years ago, he asked if she'd had her head chopped off cause he was learning about the tudors at school at the time. He's extremely close with nan, always asking when he can go spend a week with her in the school holidays. When the inevitable comes, I worry he won't handle it. How do I support him???
And then there's me. I'm doing my best to hold it together for my family, however my emotions have already affected me in my place of work, causing me to lose my temper at a colleague and receive a formal complaint. My employer is aware of my situation and the issue has now been resolved, but I worry that it will happen again. My employer has a peer support group, which I have already used. My dad is trying to be there for me and brother, but again, he lives 3hrs away. I am seeking further comfort through music. Furthermore, I want to take a couple of weekends off between now and xmas in order to spend as much time with my nan before her time comes, however, because I work in the hospitality industry, I fear they won't let me as the xmas season is about to start next week. My boss keeps asking me what they can do to reduce my stress, but the thing is, I don't want them to think I'm incapable of doing my job, as I've been promoted to senior management in the last yr, so I'm still trying to prove myself. Plus it's the only normality I have right now, and I don't wanna lose that. I'm also trying to think of practical things I can do, for example, I want to get my nan an early xmas present of a locket with pictures of myself and my brother inside, something she could be wearing when placed in her coffin, so she always has a piece of us with her forever. In addition, I wish to offer my unique skills in digital media by offering to put together a film for her funeral. But when is the right time to offer my help with all this???
In all of this, my nan just wants things to be as normal as possible. I plan to phone her at least once a week, but how to do I have a conversation with her without bringing up cancer??? And how do I not let her see my upset???
Anyone got any advice, I could really use it.
Hi GBarbs96 and a warm welcome to the Macmillan Community but so sorry to hear about your nan’s diagnosis and the challenges your family is experiencing.
A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' support challenges can help you a lot……. I have a completely different type of cancer and treatment journey.
This New to Community area is like our reception desk where we try to direct you to the best part of the Community for you to get support. The Community is actually divided into dedicated Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) and when it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your Nan and indeed yourself and the rest of the family you may benefit from joining and posting in our……
Supporting someone with incurable cancer
……. support groups where you will connect with a wide range of members navigating the exact same support challenges.
To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above …… then once the group page opens click in the [Black - Click to Join - Banner] that appears at the bottom of the page and this will then confirm that you have joined the group.
When you are ready……. you can introduce yourself by putting up your very own post by clicking [+ Create new post] or [+] in the top right of the group page.
You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.
It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.
The Macmillan Support Line is open between 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00…… this service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.
Talking to people ‘face to face’ can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing.
Do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community.
