Waiting for results...

July 2023, I had a colonoscopy to check for inflammatory disease or diverticulitis after some episodes of severe abdominal pain. All was clear, but they removed a 25mm polyp which on examination was found to be cancerous. It had a clear border of healthy tissue on all sides so they were very confident that they'd got it all, and when blood tests, CT, and repeat colonoscopy were all clear, it was deemed a lucky early find and I was put onto annual screening. 

Right at the beginning of September 2024, i noticed a large lump in my neck. I gave it a couple of weeks in case it was just a virus or minor infection, but no change so I went to the GP who tried antibiotics with no change. 

I was referred to ENT's head and neck lump clinic on Oct 1st and had a chest x-ray on the 2nd (all normal). Got a phone call on the 6th (sunday!) asking some basic questions, and then had an ultrasound on the 8th. I found out that the lumo is definitely a lymph node and that it's 35mm x 25mm.

I didn't hear anything for almost a week and couldn't get hold of anyone in ENT to tell me what was happening so eventually I contacted PALS who found out that my ultrasound had been reported on but the consultant hadn't read the report. When he finally did so, he wanted a biopsy which i had on the 16th, which swelled up so much that i couldn't move my head and it was incredibly painful to swallow so i spent that night in A&E on painkillers and anti inflammatories. They took a lot of blood for testing and also did a CT with contrast. 

Yesterday (25th) I was told that a basic histology report has come back but the consultant is waiting on a supplementary report, and that I also need an MRI. When i called imaging, they said they'd 'try to get it booked in the next couple of weeks'. 

I still haven't had any discussion with a consultant about what is going on. I've had absolutely no indication of what this might be. I haven't been told what they're looking for, I'm only guessing that it's cancer because that's what seems most likely. I'm an absolute nervous wreck about this because I hate not knowing what might happen. I'd much prefer to have bad news and to be able to make plans - whatever they might be - than to be in this psychological torture of waiting.

I've been off work for 2 weeks already with the anxiety of it all - i keep breaking into tears and having hyperventilating panic attacks. To make things worse, my dad is currently in hospital with severe heart and kidney failure but i can't travel to visit him because i need to stay local to my hospital in case i get called for more tests or a discussion with a consultant. 

I'm so scared. I cope with things by researching and making plans and backup plans. I'm the carer for my partner and our house is on the market as we're hoping to move soon. We moved to a different country for my work so neither of us has any family, friends, or know anyone locally besides my work colleagues. I feel so alone and overwhelmed. 

Now I'm waiting an unspecified amount of time for this supplementary biopsy report and for the MRI. I feel like I'm going insane. No one will talk to me about what is going on in my own body. My GP says i have to talk to the consultant and the hospital say the consultant won't speak to me until these results come back and meanwhile I've spent almost 4 weeks sick with worry not knowing if it's nothing and they're just being thorough, or if i have metastasis from the colon cancer last year, or if i have something else entirely. I cannot cope with this unknown and i can't make anyone talk to me. I just want it all to end.