The loss before loss

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I am a young woman (under 30) currently 28 weeks pregnant with my first child.
in March 2024 my mum shared the news that she had terminal cancer after a 6 month remission period from colon cancer. She has been given around 18 months to live. She is currently on palliative chemo although due to her not being well enough she has not been able to have this weekly chemo for 4 weeks now. In the last 2 weeks we have begun to see a marked deterioration in her health. Her mobility is very much reduced, she has no appetite and is not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a day.
My mum has always been the glue of the family, she keeps us all going and has always been there for me. She was always a fearless, strong and tenacious woman (also a nurse so stubborn!) and now she is a shell of herself and just so weak. I’m now struggling not only with coming to terms that she may not survive long enough meet her grandson, but I feel like we are losing her self before she’s actually gone.
I just don’t know how I am supposed to cope with this, how I can support her or what I can do to feel that I have done enough. How has anyone else navigated this?

Thehighlander 2 months ago

Hi Forest1607 and welcome to the Macmillan Community but so sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis and prognosis.

A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' support challenges can help you a lot.

This New to Community area is like our reception desk where we try to direct you to the best part of the Community for you to get support. The Community is actually divided into dedicated Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) and when it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your mum and indeed yourself you may benefit from joining and posting in our

Carers only

and our

Supporting someone with incurable cancer

……. support groups where you will connect with a wide range of members navigating the exact same support challenges.

To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above …… then once the group page opens click in the [Black - Click to Join - Banner] that appears at the bottom of the page and this will then confirm that you have joined the group.

When you are ready……. you can introduce yourself by putting up your very own post by clicking [+ Create new post] or [+] in the top right of the group page.

You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.

It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.

You may find it helpful to call the Macmillan Support Line open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.

Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and support all the family.

Please do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community ((hugs))

Mike (Thehighlander)

It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

My cancer story

latchbrook 2 months ago

Hi Forest1607 and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.

I'm sorry to read about your mum and it must be doubly difficult for you at a time when you should be excited ahead of the arrival of your baby.

The online community is divided into different support forums so I'm going to recommend that you join the supporting someone with incurable cancer forum where you can connect with others who, unfortunately, are in a similar position.

To join, just click on the link I've created and, once you've joined, you can start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.

If you have any problems navigating the community just drop me a reply and I'll be pleased to help.

Anne

"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"

Squeak 2 months ago

Hello Forest1607,

what a sad time for you. My experience is that grief begins before death in these situations and it is normal when you are losing some one so dear to you.

You will cope because your mum's strength runs through your veins.You have already done enough by loving her as you do. It's a thread throughout the whole of your message.

This is what I've learned: Don't feel you have to be the strong one all the time. Being strong enough to feel and express your feelings is being strong. Seek help and ask for support. Don't do it all on your own. I hope you have support around you. Friends and family you can turn to.

I have learned the hard way about asking for help. People want to help at times like this. It's how they show their love. Talk to your loved ones. Share the burden as much as possible. Talk to your baby about your lovely mum.

Take care of yourself. Find ways to relax or distract yourself sometimes.

In my experience it's not easy to navigate but changing my expectations of what I could or couldn't do and knowing what was in my control and what was not and accepting that (eventually). There is no right or wrong, we all weave our way through this in the best way we can. Sometimes it's beautiful. Sometimes it's totally s*%!.

My way of coping is to walk as much as possible (and sometimes run), journalling and talking. When I talk I can hear myself and hear my thoughts more clearly. At the moment the house is getting cleaned a lot. The garden sorted.

Just by being there you are supporting her. Just by loving her, you are supporting her.

Sending big hugs (if you are a hugger)

Squeak