Hi everyone.
Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I've just joined & am at a loss as to what to do.
My lifelong friend of 57 years was diagnosed with breast cancer 6.5 years ago.
It was very small & slow growing & she had no signs or symptoms so decided to just monitor it.
For a bit of history, SJ has always been a bit naïve & gullible & a very private person, she doesn’t like to talk or even think about anything remotely negative & has refused to talk about her breast cancer. SJ gives me tiny bits of info when I press her but mostly, she changes the subject, shuts me down & refuses to talk about it.
Very long story short, she’s never had any treatment at all, save for her own efforts to live clean; she cut all toxins from her life - sugar, alcohol, dairy, processed food, pollution. She took to exercise & positive thinking & really believed that it would just magically go away – this is what she’s done her whole life, I believe it’s called toxic positivity. She lives alone, family (& me) are 250 miles away & they barely speak anyway. We’re in constant daily contact about nothing & everything – expect this, it’s strictly off limits as far as she’s concerned.
She doesn’t trust doctors, believes that chemo is just going to cause more harm than good & has been adamant that she isn’t going to have conventional NHS treatment. She found some clinic in Turkey that does 'Chemo Thermia' at £8000 a round. I need to be clear here – this is her decision & while I don’t agree with her, I have fully supported her decisions. She doesn’t have two pennies to rub together though, she’s on benefits, lives hand to mouth & has tried several mad cap schemes to get rich quick so she can go to this clinic – none of which have worked. She’s absolutely determined that this is the only way to treat the cancer but she’s never going to raise the money she needs. I’ve loaned her money, given her as much as I can afford to help her have a better standard of life & I’m happy to do that when I can, but it’s not actually helping anyone in the long run.
SJ has had NHS check-ups to monitor it, her last one being in March, but no other treatment & no more appointments set up. She even refuses to take pain relief for the pain she’s currently in.
Since March, a tumour ‘the size of a fist’ has grown outside her breast. It bleeds, weeps & hurts – the last info she gave me a week ago was that it ‘spurted blood this time & took a while to stop’ but will not elaborate further so I don’t know the extent of the tumour.
SJ came up for my daughter’s wedding in July & as I hadn’t seen her since Christmas, I noticed a weird smell coming off her that I’ve never smelt before - like damp straw & fermenting fruit! I can only assume it’s the tumour!
I can’t express enough how hard I have tried to get her to open up, talk to me, tell me what’s going on but all I get is ‘not today, the sun is shining & I can’t afford to think negatively’. She absolutely refuses to discuss what will happen if she doesn’t get the money to go to Turkey - in her words 'failure is not an option'. I’ve looked into it myself & while I’m not entirely convinced it'd work, it seems like a gentler way to treat the cancer & one she would accept. But frankly, I think it’s too little, too late. If this tumour is anything to go by, I fear the worst. She’s admitted that she’s been in denial but is now so fixated on this Turkey idea, that she won’t even consider anything else.
This isn’t about me, I know that. I’ve known her since I was born, we’ve grown up together as sisters & I don’t want to lose her. I am so frustrated & yes, I am angry with her now. I lost my only sibling to suicide in 2021, & my mother to frontotemporal dementia last year & am still grieving for them, I am terrified of losing my last connection to my childhood & my closest friend because she will not talk to me.
There is no one else to talk sense into her, I don’t even know if she’s told her local friends the extent of it & she wouldn't listen anyway.
I just don’t know what to do now. I’ve tried & tried but the guilt is eating me up & I’m starting to feel grief for what is to come.
Hi Bevvers sorry to hear about your best friends diagnosis.
A cancer diagnosis can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' cancer type or support challenges will help you a lot.
I have a completely different (incurable) blood cancer….. I have had various treatments over my 25 years including about 800 hrs of chemo…… but I am 9 years out from my last treatment.
I turn 69 in a few months and am getting on with life…… I had very strong chemo but as far as I see it - it was a short period of discomfort for a long term gain.
I can see that you have already joined and put up a post in our Breast cancer support group.
This group is a safe places to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support from family members who are navigating the same support journey.
As for the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your friend and indeed yourself you may benefit from joining and posting in our……
Family and Friends (that I see you have also joined)
……. support group where you will connect with a wide range of members navigating the exact same support challenges.
The Macmillan Support Line open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support or just a listening ear.
We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow 3 working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing.
Do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community ((hugs))
Hi Highlander.
Thank you for your reply & welcome
I'd clean forgotten about posting over a year ago - should I delete that post?
No leave it….. having the post up in a few places may pick up more support ((hugs))
