Finding it hard to support a close friend

Hi JustFlo 

One of our other community champs, Mike, will likely be along soon with a comprehensive reply. He’s much better at it than I am but in the meantime come over and join us at the Head and Neck Cancer forum. There’s room for carers there too. I am a five year survivor of Head and Neck Cancer and I know just how your friend feels. We can help there 

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/head-neck-cancer-forum

Just click on the link. 

JustFlo said:

I feel so useless and I want to be able to do more to support and I thought that if maybe I was better informed about what he would be going through right now I could change the way I say things in a text and not just ask how he’s feeling. I really hope that someone can guide me here!

The treatment is absolutely awful and the two weeks after it finishes are real hell. I spent those two weeks more or less asleep. He probably needs to hide to heal. Maybe a visit to help out physically would be better than a text. But try not to be shocked at what you find. Having said that most of us make an uneventful recovery over the following year. 

Thank you for your reply. I will definitely take a look at your blog. Sadly he won’t see me but I’m guessing that’s to do with the way he feels about himself and also that he just wants to deal with it by himself. I wouldn’t be shocked at all as I’ve currently got two family members who are going through cancer and both are difficult to deal with but I really do understand what it can do to someone both physically and mentally and that’s why I want to do more for my friend 

Hi JustFlo and sorry to read about your close friend. To add to my friend Dani’s reply you may also want to join our general……

      Family and Friends

……. support group where you will connect with a wide range of members navigating the exact same support challenges.

Has he support at home? If he has somebody helping him then I might be tempted to simply message that you are thinking of him and realise that he needs a little time to heal. Maybe he needs a little space. Tell him you’ll be in touch in a fortnight? 
When I was in treatment I eschewed all contact apart from my husband. I couldn’t face anybody and there were even times when my husbands attention was claustrophobic. 
In a month he will start coming out of all this. It will be a good six months before he feels better and a year before he is happy with his recovery has progressed. It’s a marathon not a sprint 

Have a read of this  article about recovering from cancer. It resonates so well. I printed copies and gave them to friends and family. 

https://workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

He doesn’t have any support at home. You have answered a couple of my questions there. He finished his treatment early July and I was being realistic in thinking that he wouldn’t begin to feel any better for at least 6 months and you have confirmed that for me thank you. Already you have been a great help with the links and your blog and the picture is becoming a bit clearer now. I really do appreciate your help. Thank you

Thank you Mike I will join the group 

Hi JustFlo

T2N1M0 Tonsil cancer HPV16+

I finished chemoradio early June 2023.... August before I started to feel human again, the treatment is extremely harsh, takes its toll on us mentally and physically, we do have low days but these become fewer as time passes. Mouth and throat pain is a daily battle, difficult to communicate at times, pain meds can cause tiredness and mood swings, these improve as we gradually come off the meds.

Dani is right about visiting the head and neck forum, it will give you some sort of idea about the treatment and its side effects, interesting reading for patients, carers, family and friends.

Peter 

Thank you Peter that’s very helpful. I’m beginning to get a better picture now