Supporting elderly father

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Hi all, 

I’m brand new to the community and thought I’d say hello and share my story. We lost Mum 8 years ago to lung cancer. It was extremely quick and in the end very peaceful. Dad fell to bits and we’ve been struggling to support him ever since. Recently Dad has been diagnosed with Mesothelioma. We are devastated and the struggles we had have now been multiplied. He’s desperately unhappy, wants to just die to be with Mum and is fighting everything. My brother is at his wits end. He’s on morphine for the pain but he’s proving that his memory snd mental capacity has severely diminished. He swings from taking no morphine and being in pain to overdosing on the fast acting stuff. 

it’s a terrible journey, the uncertainty is crippling him and he’s lashing out. Any one going through the same thing or come out the other side? 

x

  • Hi  and a very warm welcome to the Macmillan Community but sorry to hear about your dad’s diagnosis. 

    A cancer diagnosis in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' cancer type or support challenges will help you a lot……. I have a completely different type of cancer and treatment journey although I do also gave asbestosis.

    The New to Community is like our reception desk where we try to direct you to the best part of the Community for you to get support. The Community is actually divided into dedicated Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) so can I recommend you join and post in our dedicated……

    Mesothelioma

    …… support group. This group is a safe places to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support from family members who are navigating the same support journey.

    As for the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your dad and indeed yourself you may benefit from joining and posting in our……

    Carers only 

    Supporting someone with incurable cancer

    ……. support groups where you will connect with a wide range of members navigating the exact same support challenges.

    To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above …… then once the group page opens click in the [ Black - Click to Join - Banner ] that appears at the bottom of the page and this will then confirm that you have joined the group.

    When you are ready……. you can introduce yourself by putting up your very own post by clicking [ + Create new post] or [ + ] in the top right of the group page.

    You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.

    It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.

    You may find it helpful to call the Macmillan Support Line open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.

    We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow 3 working days for a reply.

    Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and support all the family.

    Do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community.

    Mike (Thehighlander)

    It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

    Community Champion Badge

  • Thank you for the warm welcome and the links to useful groups s as nd sharing your story. In the middle of all this I’ve found such generous souls 

    thank you x

  •  ,

    Hello from across the puddle. I haven't been through your exact situation, but I do have a father-in-law who is quite far into the 'I should just die' thing. Back when it started (last rites) a few years ago, before he used it for continuous pity,  I would ask him what his going (before his time) would do to everyone else-especially family. 

    I told him that it was a no-brainer that he would get what he wants, but it would crush those 'surviving' him. I asked him how much he loves his daughter (that I married). I didn't wait for an answer before telling him that she loves him more

    I'm not blood, so I always shoot it straight with him. I said, "You thinking only of yourself when you have so much supportive family is selfish." I know your case is 180 from mine, but the only part I wanted to context to was that it will be a loss when he goes-for everyone.

    The part about meeting his wife makes that probably hard to see. We're not wired to think of others before our selves; We get there through some kind of experience, like trauma. 

    Sorry if I'm way off the mark. You just asked if anyone had been through, or was still in, grieving seniors. I will never know your exact situation, so I can't give anything but general support.

    :-(

  • Hi Kismet, 

    thank you for your response, I appreciate it. If my husband wrote a response it would be very similar to yours. I empathise with you all, it’s a tough road.

    Best wishes