Help advice for my grandad & family

Ld123 11 days ago

4 replies
53 subscribers
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Hi, I'm new to this and I would really appreciate any advice or just some support please for me and my family but mainly my grandad as he is the one going through this.

My grandad is 79 years old. 8 years ago he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We thought this was cured but has later come back as secondary and has now spread into his bones, this is now terminal.

He was receiving chemotherapy to hopefully slow the spread down. This was working and his psa levels did decline, they have now rapidly increased again and his chemo has been stopped as they feel it is not beneficial anymore.

His previous scan showed that the cancer was in a few of his ribs, sternum, hips and legs and also the lining of his lungs. Since this scan he has gotten worse and has very little energy and spends a lot of time in bed as he is in pain but also struggles to breath and is very out of breath. He has been for another scan and we are waiting for the results but i believe it has progressed more into his bones and also has gotten through the lining of his lungs.

He has been prescribed morphine in liquid and tablet form but refuses to take these as he says he doesn't need it and he's not that bad. The family knows he's trying to mask the pain and is trying to keep strong but we also don't want him to be in pain and would rather he accepted the help. We have asked if he'd like to speak to anybody about this as he is really depressed and has actually cried over how he feels and the pain but he still won't take painkillers or speak to professionals.

He is a very proud man and I know he doesn't want the family to see him deteriorating and seeing him in pain. Maybe some advice or people who have experienced this to give any wise words or advice so i can try and show him he isn't alone would help.

On a different note my family are all supporting him and my nanna as much as we can. but at the moment everyone has different opinions and what we should be doing and how this is causing a bit of tension and i dont want arguments to break out but i feel like its coming.

My nanna and grandad are bickering a lot and they are both visibly upset, i know my nanna is doing her best but she is also stressed and feeling scared and not handling it the best, causing her to snap at my grandad and he does the same.

She doesn't want him to pass away in the house and says she would want him to go to the hospital/hospice. I dont really know much about this as I have had a family member who passed away at home with the care of the family and myself. I am finding it difficult to imagine my grandad being away from home and this is making me angry and upset because I think his last weeks/days should be spent at home with us.

I have been through something very similar with a family member before but the rest of my family haven't, i dont think they really know what is to come and aren't really listening to me.

Sorry for the big essay but I am really struggling emotionally. I know my family are and mostly i know my grandad is. Any help/advice would be massively appreciated.

latchbrook 11 days ago

Hi Ld123 and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.

I'm sorry to read about your grandad's diagnosis and I know what a difficult time this is for the whole family.

The online community is divided into different support forums so I'm going to recommend that you join the supporting someone with incurable cancer forum where you can ask questions around practical issues, palliative care, etc and also discuss your emotions.

To join, just click on the link I've created and, once you've joined, you can start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.

If you have any problem negotiating the community just pop back here and I'll be pleased to help.

"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"

eddiel 11 days ago

Hello Ldt23 and welcome from me, As a grandad who also has terminal prostate cancer I am going t speak for your grandad, The most important thing in his life is and always has been his family and no matter how poorly he feels he want's to see you all happy and getting along, I know you will have different opinions, It's normal, but please sort them out away from granddad, though shouldn't granddads wishes come first. If he see's you all getting on. he will hopefully take his meds as i''m sure he will be in some pain and trying to be strong for his family so as not to upset you all. It's hard living with a terminal disease and we all get upset and cry at times, it's perfectly normal and probably helps granddad emotionally, I can understand your nanna wanting granddad to go into the hospice, they will be able to give granddad the best care possible and nanna may be able to stop with him as well, though it's understandable granddad wants to be at home at the end and I'm guessing this is why they are bickering as you say, It's going to be hard for nanna as she is going to lose her lifetime love and she needs, like grandad to see all her family happy. You can get hospice bare at home, from the hospice palliative care team, they are not just for end of life care, but to make your granddad as comfortable as possible so ha can make the most of his remaining time. To access the service phone your GP and ask to be referred to the hospice and their palliative care team, best wishes to all your family, take care.

Eddie xx

Ld123 10 days ago in reply to eddiel

Hi Eddie, I'm so sorry that you are also going through this. It can't be easy and I hope you have good support around you as well.

We are all there for grandad 100% as is my nanna but I think she is mainly getting frustrated because she is at a loss of what to do and how she can help and she is also scared for what's to come.

She is trying to get him to have food and eat something so he has energy but he is refusing most things and is maybe only having a bowl of porridge in a day and when she mentions that he should eat or why isn't he hungry he just snaps and they end up bickering then he will cry and say he can't do this and he feels awful.

I definitely think he is depressed which is understandable considering the situation but he doesn't want to speak to a doctor or anybody. Is there anything we can do to help this. We all try to talk to him. He has 3 children and they have all tried. He just says he's in pain and knows what is to come.

It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch him suffer but we are all there for him and he does know this. Hopefully I can pass this information about palliative care onto my nanna so she understands how it works if my grandad does want to be at home.

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

Best wishes to you and your family too.

Lauren x

eddiel 10 days ago in reply to Ld123

Hi Lauren, thank you for your kind words they are appreciated if you think your granddad has depression, you really should be talking to a professional as it's a serious illness that needs treating as soon as possible. my partner has a type of depression and know how difficult this must be for everyone, Lauren at the top of this page, you will see, Cancer info and support click on it, Then type in depression. The first option you see (depression) click on then scroll down to Getting Help With How you are Feeling, and you will see, Get Support, in a green box, click on, then answer the questions and you will know for certain if granddad has depression and how to get support. There is also some good advice as well. Lauren i don't have depression though i do have off days and i have counselling, which i would recommend to everyone. I noticed you have made a friend request and i will accept, best wishes.

Eddie xx