Pleasant morning to all. Firstly, hello and hope everyone is doing well.
Second, I’m in need of some advice.
My Mum and Step-Dad live around 2 hours away from myself and (nearly) any other family member. SD had been feeling ill for a few months and doctors found a growth that they ‘thought might be cancerous!” At the beginning of March, he was told it was and they gave him up to 10 years, then just over a week ago he was told it was more likely about 6 months.
The other concern is that my mum has been showing signs of dementia for a while and is slowly deteriorating. She is struggling to deal with this and things like cooking and cleaning are becoming hazardous as she is mixing things up or simply not realising something is wrong - eg - putting a laundry tablet in the dishwasher; looking around the room for her cat when he’s sat right next to her…
SD is not the easiest person to talk to about feelings, emotions etc, nor is he fully open about his plans, ideas or thoughts in general so trying to talk about this is feeling like almost a chore.
His children are involved and obviously their main priority is their dad, which I fully support and understand. My siblings and I have had very little contact with them over the years so neither side really knows the other.
I’m the youngest of 3 on our side but I feel I’m the only one really sensing the reality of the inevitable.
I have a need to find out as much information as possible as soon as possible because, unfortunately, the reality is that he may not last even 6 months!
We have a WhatsApp group chat and I’m trying not to take over and seem like I’m giving orders as to who needs to do what and when etc but everything feels so relaxed and there doesn’t seem to be any sense of urgency to get things organised and I’m freaking out.
My mental health is going down the drain and anxiety has gone through the roof! My wife, a sibling and I went to see them yesterday and although we are in agreement that certain things need to be done sooner rather than later, trying to actually talk to my mum or SD is a challenge. He wants everyone to ‘act normally’ around him and he only gives us snippets of what’s going to happen.
With all this, as much as I care for my SD, I need to plan for when he passes so we as a family know what their wishes are moving forward because I fear mum is going to go downhill fast and won’t be able cope.
My brother says I should chill a bit and focus on SD health and making him comfortable but there’s going to be a time when it’s too late to talk.
I don’t want to ‘take charge’ as I’m the youngest (and quite frankly, not that organised) but absolutely will if I need to but don’t want to upset anyone especially mum and SD but how do I start these conversations? Things like Wills (executors/power of attorney etc); his wishes, what is happening to their house and how to go about that….lots of things going through my head that I need to talk about for my own sake as well as making sure they are both taken care of but where to start?
I understand everyone trying to remain calm and be supportive but these conversations need to happen, how do I even begin to talk to his children about this and then try to have these talks with mum and SD? Someone needs to take charge so to speak but I don’t want to step on their toes.
Thank you, *holding back the tears to type clearly*
Hi Byker and welcome to the Macmillan Community but so sorry to hear about your Step-Dad and indeed your Mum’s diagnosis.
A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' support challenges can help a lot.
The New to Community is like our reception desk where we look to direct you to the best part of the Community for you to get support. The Community is divided into dedicated Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) and when it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your family and indeed yourself you may benefit from joining and posting in our….,,
Supporting someone with incurable cancer
…… support groups where you will connect with others navigating the exact same support challenges.
To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above then once the group page opens click on “Click to Join” when the black banner appears or “Join” under “Group Tools” (this all depends on the device you are using)
You can then put up your own post when you’re ready by clicking “+new” or “+” in the top right next to the group title. You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.
It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.
You may find it helpful to call the Macmillan Support Line open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.
We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow 3 working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and support all the family.
Please do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community.
