Good Evening Everyone,
I am here because my father-in-law, our wonderful "Dadso" (he really is just absolutely flipping wonderful), has been diagnosed in the last few weeks with terminal cancer. It feels like we have been waiting forever to find out what is really happening. There is that nagging reality of "the NHS are busy, there is more than just us"...but also the nagging thoughts of "we are running out of time, what is happening?!" Dadso started to struggle a bit with his eating around November time, thought it was acid reflux, took a wee while to go to the doctors, was put on omeprazole but tests arranged...the "C" word was heavily swung at him and we went into panic mode for a few weeks. Scans were completed initially and again...there was that C word, alongside "there is a shadow around the shoulder/collarbone area...that suggests lymph nodes." CRAP! (This was around the beginning of February this year)
26th of February, his endoscopy and biopsies were done, cancer was confirmed pretty much instantly by the person performing the investigation, we were advised that the tumour is large and it is far down his oesophageal tube as it is practically at his stomach connection. Connection? You know what I mean. How can this be so serious and I dont know what bits I am talking about or what is going on?! Lol. It is wild and confusing. We were told we would need to wait for the results before stages and further conversations could be had. Then he got a call from a lovely MacMillan nurse who said she would be helping us all out...but it made us think "oh, oh....this isnt good." There was then a phone call to arrange an appointment at the hospital, mentioning the option of a stent. My husband and his dad went off to the appointment, and were told "you are terminal, the tumour is so big that we cant fit a stent, not right now anyway. We cannot operate, if we did then you would spend and waste too much time healing up. It would probably just grow back too. We will do chemo and hope it shrinks the tumour enough to put a stent in." By this point, it was now the 28th of February and it feels like things are maybe "getting moving" now as information is coming at us and we are being offered support. Also an appointment for a dietician has been made....although, not until the 20th of March. He is choking on things now, really struggling with a lot of foods, sauces, highly flavoured things, meat etc. It just goes down to his stomach and he feels it get lodged, he chokes, coughs and spluttters and it comes up or he is sick and it comes up.
We feel like we are waiting weeks and weeks for anything to happen and then there is a blow...but not quite all of the information we/doctors/anyone seems to need. It is so easy to feel like it maybe isn't "top of the pile" because there isn't hope for a cure. I know it is wrong to think that way, but it creeps in. It is now the 19th of March and we still dont have the biopsy results. We have been told that chemo cant be arranged until we have this, and that chemo will probably start next month now. More delays. Why is it taking so long? What is going on? What if it is just growing and growing even more? Dadso has been bringing his food back up for weeks now, and it is getting worse. He is scared to eat, he is undeniably losing weight and he is feeling low about the thought of not getting to enjoy food for the time he has left. The conversation has changed to that now, everything is now "what time he has, what enjoyment he will get from life now, this isnt fair that he is restricted in time and pleasures like this."
I am trying to support my husband, his dad is his best friend, his idol. He doesnt feel his own life will be happy without his father in it. He cant imagine that world and I am scared for him. His sister is also just as devastated, but trying to focus on what she CAN do...but feeling overwhelmed at times by the lack of....well, ANYTHING at the moment. His mum and dad divorced years ago but are very close, they are great friends and she is very committed to looking after him and helping him. Gosh shes a bloody awful cook though. Haha. She is trying her very best to feed him and stick to what small pieces of information we are gleaning from online, but she really is absolutely dreadful at cooking. (I am laughing writing this, youve got to eh? She would shoot the boots off me. I know she is terrified of losing him and I think she would take this from him if she could, theres a special kind of love that has grown inbetween the wear-and-tear of that relationship. It's a pretty marvellous thing really.
So...that is us. I dont know what I am looking for. Advice? Support? Im not sure. Im impatient and Im anxious and I hate feeling like I dont know what to do. Usually I would swing into "I will prepare lots of meals and freeze them, what has the dietician said? Let's go stay with him, let's buy a spare bed and get him through as much as we can"...but right now, we are floating in limbo-land.
Ranting in my brain and on here, but trying to just smile and listen and offer supportive thoughts that are realistic when I am with my husband and his family.
Thanks <3
Hi Worried Daughter in Law and welcome to the Macmillan Community but so sorry to hear about your father in laws diagnosis.
A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' support challenges can help a lot.
The New to Community is like our reception desk where we look to direct you to the best part of the Community for you to get support. The Community is divided into dedicated Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) and when it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your father in law and indeed yourself you may benefit from joining and posting in our
Supporting someone with incurable cancer
support groups where you will connect with others navigating the exact same support challenges.
To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above then once the group page opens click on “Click to Join” when the black banner appears or “Join” under “Group Tools” (this all depends on the device you are using)
You can then put up your own post when you’re ready by clicking “+new” or “+” in the top right next to the group title. You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.
It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.
You may find it helpful to call the Macmillan Support Line open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.
We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow 3 working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and support all the family.
Please do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community.
Hi Senga66 and a warm welcome yeti you as well…… once you have a clear diagnosis do have a look through THIS LIST where you will find all our many dedicated cancer support groups listed.
These groups are safe places to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support from members who are navigating the same journey.Di get back to me if you need further help navigating the community.
