Struggling with my mum's illness and possible cancer diagnosis

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Hi, buckle up, this is long and complex. I'm here because I've got no-one to talk this through with really and need to make sense of it all. My mum is in her 60s and has been unwell for quite some time - fainting, vomiting, weight loss, constant viruses and colds, personality changes, probably more - but wouldn't go to the doctors. She was rushed into hospital 4 weeks ago with a swollen and painful appendix and ended up having a CAT scan. She told me they had found a 2cm tumour on her stomach, and she had an MRI last week, but she let it slip the MRI was for her liver not stomach.

She has now admitted to me she has been diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and the lesion is on her liver and is 5cm. Her symptoms fit quite advanced cirrhosis. She has been a heavy drinker for years, but not to stereotypical alchoholic level, so I can understand she is probably feeling ashamed due to the stigma cirrhosis carries, and she told me that she told the doctors she barely drinks so they have diagnosed her with non-alcholic cirrhosis and suggested she keeps her alcholol intake to a minimum. I've asked her if there is anything on her stomach and she changes the subject. She hasn't told anyone else the truth - not even her husband (who drinks daily and even more heavily).

She has told me they do not know if the lesion is cancerous yet, or if it's secondary or primary at this stage, and have not told her how advanced her cirrhosis is, and she will have to wait for 4 weeks for an appointment with a consultant to discuss next steps. This wait is driving me crazy, made worse by the fact I am an only child and want to respect her wishes and not speak with anyone else in the family about the truth of what is going on - I'm spending most of my time on Google trying to fill in the gaps, not even knowing if she has told me the whole truth. She has agreed I can go to her next inperson appointment to support her and ask questions as she is suffering with confusion, but I get the feeling she won't even tell me when it is.

I feel angry and scared and alone. I don't trust what she has told me and have a horrible feeling things are worse than she is telling me because I can't believe they would move so slowly on this as she is in a lot of pain and can bareloy eat. I feel really guilty for feeling these emotions and not trusting her.

src60 8 months ago

Hi AdaArdor and welcome to our community though sorry to hear about what you have been going through. Not knowing is really difficult. Talking to friends and family can be quite challenging even when we do know what is happening and just trying to guess is often not helpful.

Google can be a great source of information but we do need to be careful, people do seem to love horror stories and picking out the facts from everything else can be tricky.

I know when my wife was really ill even before she got her diagnosis she talked about living in something like a thick fog so not surprised when your say she seems to be suffering from confusion - good news about you going with her to her next appointment, it might be worth taking a pen and paper so you can note down things that you might like to ask later.

<<hugs>>

Steve

AdaArdor 8 months ago in reply to src60

Thanks for your reply Steve. I hope you and your wife are both doing okay. I feel like I've reached maximum stress level already and decided today I need to try and stop the ruminating/anxiety pattern and take better care of myself for my sake and my kids', as due to the cirrhosis this is going to be a long road for my mum even if the tumour is benign.

Pasty 7 months ago

Know exactly how you feel. My mum told me two years ago about her breast diagnosis she had been diagnosed 18 months already by that time I have 2 siblings but she didn't want them to know either I found out by accident, upshot is she finally agreed to have surgery as it got to the point of that or it was curtains at that point she agreed to tell the other 2 .she has spent the last 12 months saying she is fine , only to find at Christmas she is not its now in her lungs so here we go again she did agree I could go with her as they are giving her a palliative treatment . But again she doesn't want the others to know.

Yes go with her and ask questions but be prepared she might not want to know the truth but the best and most important thing is be there for her even if she doesn't want to talk . Get information from macmillan it helps fill in the gaps also take care of yourself you can't help her if you are ill .and good luck hope it gets treated if that's what She wants.

AdaArdor 7 months ago in reply to Pasty

Hi Pasty,

Thanks for your message, it is relieving to know I'm not alone in this situation.

I'm really sorry your mum is so unwell now, even though your siblings don't know yet. I hope you're getting some emotional support as this is such a massive burden for you, to support her alone and deal with your own feelings too, especially as its been going on so long. I really hope your mum finds the strength to tell her other kids as well sooner rather than later.

I don't know about you, but it is hard for me to understand why some people want to keep the truth from the very people who can offer them the most love and support when they are ill. I'm trying not to feel angry and frustrated at the moment, but it is hard. Being a mum myself I can understand wanting to protect your kids from hurt, but I feel that the best you can do for your loved ones when you are very sick is to give them all the information you can so they are prepared as best as they can for what unfolds, and don't feel any more helpless than is necessary.

Take care Pasty, and thanks again for sharing.