Hi all. My name is Tina and I'm a 46 year old single mum of 3 amazing kids.
On 7/7/23 I was diagnosed with breast cancer after finding a lump in the April.
It took me until the end of July to tell my family and most of my friends because I was too scared and tend to deal with things on my own as I don't like to put my problems on others.
I started chemotherapy in August, I had 4 x dose dense paclitaxel and the 4 x EC. Chemotherapy ended in November. Then in December I had a single mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. It went well and last Friday I was told I'm now cancer free, but still need radiotherapy and medication.
To say I feel shell shocked is an understatement. My friends and family keep saying that I must be so relieved, which I guess I am, but I just feel numb.
I'm worried what my future will hold, whether it will come back and when and i feel like I need to come to terms with the fact I'll probably always be single now. I just feel like life is so unfair. I know I have things better than a lot of people and I apologise if I sound like a whiney brat.
You see I got out of a 20 year abusive/ controlling relationship at the end of 2020. Had several other problems with people for 18 months after that and had to give up a lot of things the children and I loved due to fear. Then, when I started to feel stronger, I was diagnosed with cancer.
I keep saying that this year I want to start doing more and showing myself what I'm capable of, but what if I don't? What if I don't feel strong enough emotionally and stay as I am, preferring to be at home instead?
I dont tend to get emotional and when I do I just choke it back and I'm done, so I haven't cried much since my diagnosis and have just tried to get on with it which was easy when there were so many appointments. But at the moment there's nothing and I feel lost. I actually think if I start crying I may never stop.
Ive reached out for support from macmillan but then been feeling so low that I haven't got back to them when they've responded. I don't feel like I have anyone I can share my fears with, as friends all have their own lives and my parents have been through enough already over this and have major health problems of their own.
I already have antidepressants that I was prescribed while I was with my ex partner but while I was on chemo I didn't take them as I felt I was coping OK and didn't want to mix in any additional drugs. I really did feel like I could cope.
I moved house in July too and so although I registered with the local GP, i have never been to see them either.
My finances are all messed up partly because of my ex, but also partly because I haven't been able to work and am on a zero hour contract so get no sick pay. I'm on universal credit but have debts I can't pay and have an IVA. I have tried to keep things normal for the children and although they don't get everything they ask for, I do what I can for them.
I just don't know how to pull myself out of my slump I've fallen in to. None of my friends or family know how I feel. Most of them also don't know how any of this feels. I'm the only person from my friendship group who's had cancer, except for one who is 70. I used to clean for and I was supporting him when he was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer a few days before my diagnosis. He just keeps telling me how lucky I am that mine isn't terminal, and although I do think he is genuinely happy for me it's hard to be honest and say how I feel because he has a different outcome to face.
I hate how I feel, how ungrateful I sound and how I now look. My surgery incision is still sore, weeps and feels awful. Like I have a solid lump attached to me, my hair is short and grey, though is growing at last thankfully. I need to lose weight but don't have an appetite or the will power to do anything about it.
I'm sorry, I do sound like a major brat and am just feeling sorry for myself but I don't know where else to turn for help or support.
Thank you for reading.
Hi Tina77 and a very warm welcome to the Community but sorry to hear about your diagnoses and the journey you have been on.
Navigating the cancer rollercoaster can be such a stressful and challenging time but getting support from people who have walked the ‘exact same' cancer journey can help a lot. (I have a completely different cancer).
The New to Community is like our reception desk where we look to direct you to the best part of the Community for you to get support. The Community is divided into dedicated Cancer Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) so can I recommend you join and post in our dedicated Breast Cancer support group. This is a safe place to talk to others with a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support.
To connect in with the group click on this link> Breast cancer then once the group page opens click on “Click to Join” when the black banner appears or “Join” under “Group Tools” (this all depends on the device you are using)
When you are ready you can introduce yourself by clicking “+new” or “+” in the top right next to the group title. You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.
It’s a challenging time for you so you may want to use the Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.
We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow a few working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and give support to all the family.
Do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community.
