My poor elderly mother has bladder cancer, diagnosed in August. They have just started chemotherapy, so far she doing ok and the side effects seem minimal which is great. She is staying with my brother and I and we are sharing the care and really looking after her.
She wants to remain independent at home too, so we rotate the time we are there and she is with us, but when we leave her at home alone the problem I see is that since her diagnosis she has just shut down, she isn’t cooking, cleaning, eating, taking care of bills, using the toilet, (she has incontince too) drinking enough, moving, talking to friends, she has shut down instantly. When we chat about it she says she can’t do it all now she has cancer…
i understand she is exhausted after chemo…(two sessions so far) but this kind of shut down started immediately after diagnosis - i guess this is quite common, and I fear she could be depressed too, which I totally understand…
do you think I should be encouraging her to be more active and engaging with general life activities or should we just leave it and allow her to shut down.
i want to do the best for her and I feel she is allowing the cancer diagnosis to claim her:.. and I don’t know what I should be doing to help this... if anything
thank you 
Hi LCS123 and a very warm welcome to the Macmillan Community but sorry to hear about your mum.
A cancer diagnosis in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' cancer type and support challenges will help a lot (I have a totally different type of cancer)
The Community is actually divided into dedicated Cancer Specific Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) so can I recommend you join and post in our Bladder cancer support group. This is a safe place to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support from family members who are navigating the same support journey.
As for the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your mum you may benefit from joining and posting in our Carers only support group where you will connect with others navigating the exact same support challenges.
To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above then once the group page opens click on “Click to Join” when the black banner appears or “Join” under “Group Tools” (this all depends on the device you are using)
You can then put up your own post when you’re ready by clicking “+new” or “+” in the top right next to the group title. You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post. You can also scroll through other members posts and click “Reply” to get involved.
It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.
The Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear. We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow a few working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and support all the family.
Do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community.
