Helping my mum

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Hello  I am Jayne and not really sure what I am doing here but also need some help,  helping my mum.  Mum was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cholangiocarcinoma 2 weeks ago, unfortunately there are no treatment options.  She didn't want to know how much time she has left but was OK with me knowing.   She only has a few months and I think I am shell-shocked, devastated and frightened about losing her.  I feel like I am ignoring the prognosis in order to cope and trying to carry on as if things are normal. I am an only daughter and we are best friends, we have always done everything together and I am not sure how to help her cope with this news and disease.  I keep thinking ridiculous things like what do I buy her for Christmas,  how stupid is that!  I tend to do practical things to cope with stressful situations and am currently dealing with my own health issues which is complicating matters.  I guess I am interested in hearing from others who may be in my situation.   

How do I help mum over the next few months to make sure she feels supported and make the time she has left as good as it possibly can be.  How am I supposed to act? What should I be doing to make her happy.

This is a bit of ramble but how I am feeling and thinking at the minute.

  • Hi  and welcome to the Macmillan Community but so sorry to hear about your mum’s diagnosis.

    A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' support challenges can help a lot.

    The Community is actually divided into Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) and when it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting family and friends you may benefit from joining and posting in our Carers only  and Supporting someone with incurable cancer support groups where you will connect with others navigating the exact same support challenges.

    To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above then once the group page opens click on “Click to Join” when the black banner appears or “Join” under “Group Tools” (this all depends on the device you are using)

    You can then put up your own post when you’re ready by clicking “+new” or “+” in the top right next to the group title. You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post. You can also scroll through other members posts and click “Reply” to get involved.

    It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.

    The Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.

    We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow a few working days for a reply.

    Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and support all the family.

    Do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community

    Mike (Thehighlander)

    It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

    Community Champion Badge

  • Hello pipsmum and welcome to the community,  I am so sorry to hear about your mum and how devastated and lost you feel. I was told  3 days after being admitted to hospital with chest pains that mum had lung cancer and had maybe 4 months left. So Jayne as my mum was my best friend t can understand the emotions you are going through which are perfectly normal. Jayne the macmillan community is a good place with many wonderful people who will gladly help you, the community is made up of many forums, could i suggest carers only forum, family and friends forum and supporting someone with incurable cancer forum, and also the macmillan helpline 0808 808 0000, Jayne i tried to carry on as normal as much as possible with mum, left it up to her if she wanted to talk about her cancer. and we had many more good days than bad, Jayne you are right in looking for support, help and advice, it is going to be difficult at times for you and your mum. As someone who has been through what you are going through. i wish you well. Jayne get your mum a christmas present knowing you love and care for her is the most important thing for your mum, PS it is normal for many people with terminal cancer to not want to know how long they have, i was ok being told, please take care.

  • Thank you so much for your response I will look at the forum areas you have suggested.   I appreciate the time you have taken to reply to Mr.

  • Thank you so much for your kind words and I am so sorry about your mum and your situation.