My husband was diagnosed 11 months ago with malignant pleural mesothelioma (asbestos related cancer) and has been getting immunotherapy every 3 weeks at our local hospital.
He’s accepted the diagnosis and is following his oncologist and specialist meso nurse’s advice as far as treatment etc but what he is finding very hard is accepting help from anyone to make is life a bit easier.
He has worked his whole life in heavy industry as an engineer and is used to being the one to help people and solve problems and is really trying to do things like he has always done although now he physically can’t manage it and it is making him so depressed and grumpy.
I know it’s super hard for him to accept he’s not able to jump about like he used to and he tries to keep up a strong image to others because he hates sympathy and people ‘knowing his business’ but we (myself and 2 daughters) find it hard to know what to say or do because everything we do is wrong.
he’s always been the strong, super independent one and we don’t know what to do for the best to help him accept a bit more help without making him feel useless (his words).
It’s so hard watching the man I’ve been married to for 45 years and not be able to help him - I’m trying to stay strong and positive for him but in reality we’re both spiralling and trying to make sense of a hopeless situation.
this is the first time I’ve actually said this because I feel guilty for not being able to help him and even more guilty that I try and avoid him when he goes on a rant or moans about everything. It’s just so hard to be positive all the time when your heart is breaking.
anyway I’m sorry for the longish first post that kind of jumps about.
thank you for reading it.
Hi GrannyScotland and a very warm welcome to the Macmillan Community but sorry to hear about your husbands diagnosis and the journey you are all on.
A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' cancer type and support challenges will help a lot (I have a totally different type of cancer although I also have Asbestosis)
The Community is actually divided into dedicated Cancer Specific Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) so can I recommend you join and post in our dedicated Mesothelioma support group. This is a safe place to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support from family members who are navigating the same support journey.
As for the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your husband you may benefit from joining and posting in our Carers only support group where you will connect with others navigating the exact same support challenges.
To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above then once the group page opens click on “Click to Join” when the black banner appears or “Join” under “Group Tools” (this all depends on the device you are using)
You can then put up your own post when you’re ready by clicking “+new” or “+” in the top right next to the group title. You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post. You can also scroll through other members posts and click “Reply” to get involved.
It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.
The Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.
We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow a few working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and support all the family.
Do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community
HI GrannyScotland
a warm welcome to the online community. Sorry to hear about all that is going on,
This is a safe and supportive space so please reach out any time. There are various groups you might want to explore that are more relevant to all you are going through. Here's the links
Mesothelioma forum - Macmillan Online Community
Carers only forum - Macmillan Online Community
I'm supporting my husband through his stage 4 brain tumour journey. We've been together for 35 years and married for 28 of those so I can empathise with the emotions you are going through here, I've personally drawn a lot of support from the Carer's forum. There's always someone about to listen who gets it, someone to hold your hand and to offer that virtual hug when its needed. You're not alone. We've got you.
I see while I've been typing this Thehighlander has replied and given you some of the same pointers. Just proves the point that there's always someone about for you.
Sending you a huge virtual hug and lots of positive energy. You're coping so much better than you give yourself credit for here. (You'll just need to trust me on that one)
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
