Dad has been told he has bowel and lung cancer- just don’t know what to do.

Hello,

My elderly dad has always been very active, walking my dog (I have mobility problems), diy, gardening & running the home and looking after mum.  Dad started to feel tired in December but he’d always been affected by SAD in the winter, he was even repairing his car in December.  A routine health check revealed some concerns in a blood sample, so GP asked for more and even saw dad between Christmas and New Year.  If this GP hadn’t been on the ball we may still be thinking he was battling a winter bug.  His iron levels were/are through the floor which hasn’t helped with fatigue and appetite.  He had had a gastroscopy and colonoscopy which revealed cancer in his bowel, then following a CT scan we went to see a consultant on the 14 Feb.  The bowel cancer was confirmed by the biopsy and we were told it would have been operable but due to his current frailty it wouldn’t be done but also because the scan showed severe scaring in both lungs and multiple tumours and a question mark over a few lymph nodes.  It was agreed the next steps were an iron infusion, biopsy on a lymph node and referral to the ‘chest team’, we were told it’s not curable but it MAY be manageable.  He had an iron infusion last week and I know they take weeks to show if they’ve helped, so far he’s just the same and can hardly walk without being out of breath and he’s losing so much weight, there was hardly a picking on him to start with.  He’s from a generation & family where the man was the provider and could fix or sort anything and now he can’t stay awake to have a conversation about anything.  Mum, dad and I share a house with dad often saying he was the oldest but the fittest of the lot of us, I think that’s one reasons I’m so terrified for us all going forward and worry about his MH as he can’t be who he was and is “sorry”.  He’s used to being the one accompanying me to hospital appointments and in the click of a finger it’s flipped, he also helped me with the business I set up after losing my full time employment when my health got worse.  The lymph biopsy is on Monday and then more waiting and watching him in what feels like a spiral down.

As so many of you know we’re all now going through so many emotions in one hour never mind a day.  I’m grown and this year I’ll hit a big birthday and I feel guilty that we actually made plans to celebrate but, they’ve been cancelled now as tests and treatments come first plus, I don’t want to celebrate anyway.  Yes we fought about many things but people say that’s because we’re so alike, but my dad, the man I always compared boyfriends to and could fix anything is frightened and dying in front of me and there’s nothing I can do can stop that.  I feel like a bit of a bully as I’m trying to sort the practical stuff and I’ve been told not to let him see how utterly terrified I am, as well as support mum who’s never got involved with household bills and who started to decline when diagnosed with COPD and arthritis in both hips.  I’ve had so many times this week where I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut and a huge wave of fear and tears have almost paralysed me.  I know this is not about me it’s about how we can make this easier for him and I will do what we need to do but whether it’s separate, linked to or because of my physical health I’ve suffered a lot with my own MH all my life.  I’ve never felt so alone and this feels one step closer to me solving that problem, these will be my last dog and cat as when I don’t have them to consider I don’t see any point after my parents are gone.