Telling people.

Hi Pooh bear and a warm welcome to the Online Community but so sorry to hear about your diagnoses.

The cancer journey can be such a stressful and challenging time but you have done the right thing in reaching out to a place where you can ask questions and getting support from others who are on the ‘exact’ same cancer journey.

You have to be happy with who you want to tell and when, you need to talk this through with your husband to come to an agreement and understanding.

The Community is actually divided into dedicated support groups (discussion rooms) so can I recommend you join and post in our supportive Breast cancer support group. This group is a safe place to talk to others with a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support.

If you'd like to connect in with a group click on the (Bold) Group Text Link I have created above. Once the group page opens click on the black banner that says [click to join] at the bottom, or the [Join] button under "Group tools."

You can then introduce yourself by putting up a ‘new post’ by clicking in the box near the top right with + New or + (Depending on the device you are using) and you are ready to go. You could copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.

The Macmillan Support Line is open from 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00 where you can talk with someone about specific cancer and practical information, get emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just connect with a listening ear.

We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow a few working days for a reply.

We also have our Telephone Buddy Service where you can be matched with someone who understands what you're going through, and they'll give you a weekly call.

Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and aim to give support to all the family.

Do get back to me if you need further help.

Hi. I don't believe there is a right or wrong way to cope and handle things when cancer Is involved. I'll share a little of my experience in the hope it will help. I was diagnosed nearly 5 years ago. I have a husband, children and family. I never told any of them and tried to deal with it on my own. After 2 years of battling I was told it was stage 4 and only then I told my family. They have been there ever since but it has caused a terrible wedge between us. My husband and my parents will never forgive me for keeping such a secret but my reasoning was trying to protect them. I feel like everyone is interfering in my life and the decisions I make with regards to treatment are not my own. I often feel pressured. I do not like to talk about it or being the topic of everyone's conversation as I am a very private person. Having said that I believe I am still fighting because of them.

This is a very personal choice for you to make. Often those around us do not understand even though they are trying to help.  Try discussing your reasons for privacy with him.  Hope this helps.  Stay strong. Xx

Hi, thank you, yes I am getting my family telling me what to do, but my reasons for not telling our friends is because they can't do anything, and they all have their own problems, and like you I am a private person and I don't want to keep explaining all the time, it's bad enough having to explain to my family. Yes, it's helped, take care. Xx

ah, I came here to see if I was unusual. I had cancer twenty years ago and didn't tell anyone until I was just about to go into hospital for a two week stay, It went down like a lead balloon. I am undergoing testing right now for what the consultant thinks is a return of cancer - somewhere else in my body and I haven't told anyone again. I don't know how to. I just don't want to deal with others' emotions and thoughts and opinions. I am still alive and breathing and it is a health concern. I don't think that others need to know... they can't help. I am not surrounded by cancer specialists in my friendship group so I don't know why them knowing my health issues are going to help me? At least I know I am not alone. thankyou 

Hi, sorry to hear your having go through the journey again. I do feel reassured now . That is exactly how I feel, not wanting to deal with other people's emotions, it's bad enough having to deal with my husband's and my mum. Like you say, none of my friends are cancer specialists, and they can't do anything, and I don't see why they need to know that I am having a private part of my body operated on. At least I know I am not on my own feeling this way. Take care. X

hi its upto you who you tell or hou are probably  not ready to

 just yet I had too keep my husbands diagnoses from my parents  for a while because  my dad was not well but did tell them in the end because  my dad is still  not well  but hold back for too long  I. here is you want a chat x

Hi there PB 

This topic comes up regularly in all the groups and as can be expected no one size fits all, because we all unique individuals.  

When I was first diagnosed (nov 2021) it quickly became apparent we would tell no-one because we didn't know enough about anything at that point.  What is was, the implications, the treatment, how I would react.   You have to give yourself & your partner time to come to terms with it too.  

Once we knew the treatment 2 months later I started to tell my immediate family.   Then later it was definitely on a need-to-know basis.  You can't un-tell anyone!  People react in different ways, some helpful, some not!  My bottom line is I am not going to let cancer define me and neither am I prepared to manage everyone else's anxiety. I've told virtually  no one - why tell them when I feel it will change their behaviour towards me when all I want is for them to treat me exactly the same.  I don't talk about my treatment either or give anyone updates.  Treatment and meetings are complicated.  If I started issuing updates I'd have to explain cancer geekery to everyone and then I have no private health records.  Also, if it goes awry or I have struggles, people are going to wonder where the updates are at a time when I need time to myself to adjust to what's happening, or freak out at the lack of control or certainty in my life.   

On the other hand some people do want to talk about it and have said what a comfort friends have been.  If you're on chemo I guess the options available become trickier if hair is impacted.   You might want to tell your manager at work and tick the health classification box.  I did.  

Only you matter in this situation and whatever you feel comfortable with is the best approach.  If you want to talk further, always here to help.  You can connect and message me if you want.  xxx

My story is so similar to Mmum's

I was diagnosed over four years ago. My husband and I told nobody till I had date for my radiotherapy. So we kept it to ourselves for over three months. I got quite ill, looked a mess and was reluctant to communicate with anybody. We told his mother and his siblings. I felt that was important because he would need support from somewhere while he looked after me. I told my daughter who lives abroad. 

We had to concentrate on ourselves not try to mollify upset relatives and soothe their feelings by "being strong"

Best wishes

Thank you, I had waited until I was diagnosed before I told anyone and then it was just my immediate family, and I have had to tell work, due to the nature of my job, but only a couple of close colleagues know too. Like you say, just telling those people they want updates all the time, and I feel I have to be strong around them now when sometimes I just want to cry., I don't want to be dealing with our friends reactions either and having to update all them too. But I do feel much better about my decision now I have heard other people's stories, so thank you. X