Near death

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Hello,

My mum has bladder cancer and is now hours from death.

We are caring for her at home with the help of carers and district nurses.

I am sitting here alone with my mum who is very close to death, I think a few hours away

The carers are due to arrive very soon to change her incontinence pad.

I know this sounds like a stupid question but do I let them go ahead or not?

I feel like I should give her some dignity in her final hours.

She's not aware of anything, has a morphine driver

Or should I allow the carers to clean her as a matter of respect.

I have no siblings to discuss this with and I feel so lost.

  • Hello and I am so sorry you are going through this. Please be assured your mum spiritual side knows you are there, try talking to her softly and assure her there is nothing to fear, death is like birth a natural event 

    She has completed her circle of life and is waiting...... 

    I am all too familiar with death and lost 3 family members within 3 years, I played my mum's favorite songs on you tube quietly when she was dying and spoke to her about her final journey....

    Please reach out, I'm here if you need me. X

    Madesp 
  • When the carer arrives, they will assess how comfortable or uncomfortable your mum is and sometimes before death there is little if any urine omitted so they may leave her be. Just talk to them and I'm sure they'll do their best. Lots of love, you are not alone, I'm here x

    Madesp 
  • Thanks for your reply, I really feel alone, I've cared for my mum at home for the last 11 weeks that she has been bed bound.

    The last two weeks have been truly horrific. To see her in so much pain and the look of pure terror on her face will never leave me.

    The district nurses finally managed to control her pain two days ago with a morphine driver.

    She's now peaceful and I hope, pain free for her final hours.

    I just need advice on the carers situation,if you could give some advice I would be very grateful.

    Thanks 

  • Thank you again for your support,

    The thing is, and this is upsetting to say, mum has had a terrible discharge for the last 10 days, I was advised by a GP by telephone this would be the tumour breaking down and being released.

    I hate to think she's uncomfortable but worry also about her dignity so close to death.

  • My mum was in a home, but me and my siblings were there in her final hours and the carer's did not need to change as she had a catheter and her passing was peaceful. Your mum will show signs of end of life by her breathing, it will become very hoarse and croaky, these are the final signs. When the carer arrives tell them just to check gently her pad, and if your mum doesn't seem agitated then they should be very gentle and clean her. They have much experience of this(I hope) and will do whatever is best. X

    Madesp 
  • Thank you so much for replying Mad, I'll discuss with the carers when they arrive.

  • Another suggestion is they could remove the soiled pad and just lay another clean one under her without disturbing her, without having to turn her to do up the tapes etc, Don't worry too much, they will do what is right, think about your mum,cwhat would she say, if for example she was there nursing a loved one?

    Madesp 
  • Hi  I am so sorry to read about your mum, this is such a challenging and stressful time for you

    I have not been in your position but the Community is divided into support groups (discussion rooms) and it may help you to connect in with others who are navigating the exact same journey. 

    So can I recommend you join and post in our general Carers only and Supporting someone with incurable cancer support groups where you will connect with others dealing with the same challenges while supporting family during this difficult  time.

    If you'd like to connect in with a group click on the (Bold) links I have created above. Once the group page opens click on the black banner that says [click to join] at the bottom, or the [Join] button under "Group tools."

    You can then introduce yourself by putting up a ‘new post’ by clicking in the box near the top right with + New or + (Depending on the device you are using) and you are ready to go.

    The Macmillan Support Line is open from 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00 where you can talk with someone about specific practical information, get emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just connect with a listening ear. 

    Please do get back to me if you need further help ((hugs))

    Mike (Thehighlander)

    It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

    Community Champion Badge

  • Please remember you are doing YOUR BEST, there is no right and wrong. Go with your heart x 

    Please let me know if there's anything else I can add. I'm here for you x

    Madesp