Hi,
I’ve no idea if I’m in the right place or not but here goes.
my partner was diagnosed with anal cancer in February this year, we went through chemo and radiotherapy and finished that in June. Apart from the third degree type burns we had to managed all seemed well over the summer, we had a good couple of months although he was fearful of doing anything so we haven’t been away anywhere (my home feels so much like a prison I would love to get away from it….. anyway that’s not super important here)
we went for the final “all clear” scan and they found a 19mm area of concern in the rectal passage, a biopsy was scheduled and it confirmed the cancer hadn’t gone. So we waited and waited….. new scans were ordered and then they picked up a huge growth in the stomach (well outside of the stomach between the stomach and liver) which they hadn’t seen before and had literally, seemingly grown at lightening speed.
yet another biopsy later and it was confirmed it’s the same type of cancer as the the original but they hadn’t ever seen the cancer take that pathway and at that speed. Fast forward and we had the terminal diagnosis as there is nothing they can do now. We have life extending chemo and end of life pain specialists to help him but honestly he’s no longer himself and sleeps 90% of the time. It’s soul destroying to watch and know I can’t have any effect on. He doesn’t want to know timelines but I have to know for my own sanity so I asked when he was having some blood work. It’s between 6/8 months and at the best a year if the chemo works. :(
so on to the bit I need help with. I don’t know how to feel. His family are all useless and I when they do offer help it’s wrong or just irritates me. He will never say anything but I’d rather they just sod off and leave us alone. My family all emigrated in January this year which is the most unfortunate timing so I feel incredibly alone. It’s crushing.
Over the last week or so I am feeling resentful and I want to do something normal. We can’t even watch a film together because he can’t sit (only lay) and he’s constantly uncomfortable or asleep. I spend all of my time alone and although friends offer to take me out I don’t think they understand I can’t just up and leave him and he doesn’t want people here asking obvious questions and pitying him. It’s a rock and a hard place. I no longer sleep in our bedroom so he can spread out and get comfy and he’s also up about 10 times a night to the toilet so it’s really affecting me with energy levels. I don’t feel he is nice to me anymore and demands, drinks, food, help with the toilet, help to get up and down the stairs etc. I really don’t mind but a thank you wouldn’t go a miss (I know I sound petty and selfish here, I’m well aware of that) put on top of all this the running of the house, the pets, the shopping, the cleaning (which is constant because he’s so messy) things breaking that need fixing. I just feel I can’t cope.
how do other people cope, do you feel very resentful? Is this normal? Any help or advice would be very welcome. Thank you
Hi and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.
I'm sorry to read how difficult things are for both you and your husband right now.
As the online community is divided up into different support groups, I'm going to recommend that you join the carers only group which is a safe and supportive place to share your worries and emotions with others who are looking after someone with cancer.
To join just click on the link I've created which will take you directly there. You can then join and start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
Sending a virtual (((hug)))
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
