Mum received a terminal diagnosis

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Hi all,

New here and looking for some support and hopefully a way to navigate the million and one feelings I have right now.

My mum received a stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis a few days ago. She went through breast cancer a few years ago and only got discharged from the breast clinic a few months ago.

I live in another country to my mum, and am really struggling to process my emotions. There is the obvious shock and sadness, but I have such a feeling of loss and helplessness. I regularly feel guilt that I'm not at home, and honestly feel like packing everything up and moving. I also find myself jealous of everyone, those who get to visit her when ever they want and family and friends who are getting on with their lives and the joy they have.

I feel like there is a cloud of sadness over everything I do. I am getting married in 5 and a half months, and while I should be planning all the fun parts of my wedding, when ever I try to I feel guilty, then angry that the cancer has ruined my enjoyment of a such special time and then guilty that I'm angry because it seems trivial in comparison to facing that I am losing my mum.

Hee consultant has not given her a life expectancy, only that it is not curable. She is going to start chemo in 3 weeks, and we don't really know that aim of this. Not having a time frame makes it harder, do I have years left with her or is it much smaller time frame.

Sorry for the absolute ramblings, but just hoping for support from people who understand these emotions.

Thank you

latchbrook over 3 years ago

Hi Daughterabroad and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.

I'm sorry to read that your mum has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and know what a difficult time this will be for the whole family.

As the online community is divided up into different support groups, I'm going to recommend that you join the lung cancer group, which is a great place to ask questions and share experiences with others who have this type of cancer, and also the supporting someone with incurable cancer group, where you can safely discuss your worries and emotions.

To join just click on the links I've created which will take you directly to the group. You can then start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.

When you feel up to it, it would be great if you could pop something about your mum's diagnosis and treatment so far into your profile as it really helps others when replying to you and also when looking for someone on a similar pathway. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.

"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"

DiMac over 3 years ago

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, my mum was diagnosed over 2 years ago, so i understand how upsetting it is, and it is a rollercoaster emotionally, there’s no escaping it. I had just offered on a new house when we got the news that mum’s cancer was incurable(not as exciting as getting married) and pulled out of the deal. Mum went ape , was adamant that our lives had to go on, we should continue with our plans and not allow cancer to take over all our lives. Your mum will probably be the same. I’d say, you must try and do normal stuff and exciting stuff otherwise you will go nuts. you will still be upset but you also need to be able to focus on yourself and your stuff. It’ll help you cope with the bad stuff.

Mum had low dosage chemo as palliative care to delay the spread (trying to balance stopping the spread with side effects) - hopefully it’ll help your mum too. Not having a time frame is hard, but everyone is different and reacts differently to treatment so its hard for the medics to be accurate.

Take care, try and have fun planning and getting married, you’ll be stronger that you know. We love our new house but are also sad that mum has been too unwell to travel and see it.