Hi all,
This is my first post and I feel the need to express my feelings. I apologise in advance if anything I say upsets anyone, I tend to just say it the way I feel it.
I guess much of what I am about to write has been expressed a million times before and so its nothing new.
I don't even really know where to start to be honest. I guess I should give some basics.
I am the partner of a cancer victim. I use that word because anyone who is unfortunate enough to get it really is a 'victim'. So why am I here? I suppose like most I need support but more than anything I just want to spill my guts. I must have been through a million emotions over the last few months.
I think it's fair to say that unless you become involved in this nightmare you always think its something other people go through, the 'unlucky ones'. You see stories on the TV or you hear about people with cancer and its such a horrible thing you tend to almost look the other way, after all that's all happening to someone else right? I suppose that's the way I have always been. But suddenly I am now part of the 'club'...the cancer club.
I can truly say its the absolute worst thing that's ever happened to me, but it's not happening to me, it's happening to my partner Chanpen. A million thoughts later and I am no nearer finding the answer. Do people understand? No...not unless they are or have been in the 'club'.
The hardest thing is watching the fear in your loved ones face. I hate it. It breaks my heart. There are NO WORDS, ABSOLUTELY NO WORDS THAT CAN MAKE IT BETTER. I just don't know what to say most of the time so often I say nothing. Every day is the same. I have likened my life since this started as the same as the film 'Groundhog Day'...because every day is the same. The is no Monday, no Tuesday, no Saturday or weekend its relentless and non stop and every day is the same. Often I don't even know what day it is, seriously. I am on auto pilot, so much so tonight I was meant to be going to my sisters straight from the hospital but nearly found myself home by the time I woke up. Again a million thoughts whirring around my mind. It's relentless, 24/7, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month....so far we've managed nearly 2 months since the operation and nearly 6 weeks since the meeting of the Grim Reaper, yep that's what I have called that meeting where they tell you that the person you love is going to die. That meeting will forever haunt me. I can't put into words the emotions that evoked, it was like a volcano erupting with a sea of tears.
Then there is the hospital, OMG how you quickly learn to loathe and hate the place, it's the place where all normality ceases to exist. You see the 'lucky' ones that come and go...yeah they get to go home. I really hoped at the beginning we would be that lucky too, but that hope was soon shattered. She was very lucky to make it through the operation losing 3 litres of blood and suffering a heart attack. That day I almost died too when the surgeon gave me the post op low down. I remember them talking about it and I thought I know where this conversation is going...so I quickly cut in and asked the most simple of questions...is she still alive? Thankfully God was still holding her hand and the answer was yes. My heart missed a beat. She was however critical and of course I was warned that the 'next 24 to 48 hours were critical'. She made it through that and she actually had a near death experience which she gave me great detail about, so that makes me believe even more that there is a God. He definitely stopped her being led away by the lady who was beckoning her. I often think about her battle with the lady who tried to take her away. I fear that she will return.
Every single day I walk down what I call the 'corridor of death'...you know that long corridor that you walk down to get to the ward. Every day I walk down there with trepidation that as I approach the nurses station a nurse will catch my eye and move quickly towards me, to lead me off into one of those side rooms. You know if that happens what is coming next. Every day I ask my partner to send me 'a face' in the morning which is a simple emoji just so that I know she made it through another night. I know if I wake up and don't see this I will fear the worse. This is truly a living hell emotionally but I am thankful for every second, every minute, every hour and every day extra we get. You know every single time you walk away and look behind you it may be your last memory of them alive. It truly breaks my heart.
People have asked me so often 'but how are you coping?' I know they mean well but I always say 'I don't matter'. The reason is simple...I don't have the cancer and I haven't had the Grim Reapers prognosis. I am the lucky one, so yeah I don't matter. What am I now? To be honest I feel empty, almost emotionless, like a robot, I go about my daily routine with precision, my life is empty. I feel like an empty shell. Spent. The only thing keeping me going is Hope and the fact she needs me. I still believe she can beat it. Every day I believe this, because if you don't believe what do you have, nothing. I have to keep going...for her...no matter how tired I am...I keep going...on and on like the Duracell bunny. I fear this crazy new life will come to an end because that may seem to lead to only one conclusion, but no I must live in hope. I refuse to accept another possibility.
I hope I haven't upset you all with my crazy ramblings. Yeah maybe I'm now a little crazy...you certainly feel like you are losing your mind most of the time. It's just my feelings and expression of this crazy new life, oh how I wish we could turn the clock back...we simply haven't had enough time together, just the last 5 years. The only person who I've felt truly loved me and God wants to take her away. Life is sometimes so cruel. I doubt very much I will ever get over this, it's traumatic beyond words.
Well it's time to close now...hoorah I hear you say, no more ramblings..
I am just that spent shell....
Tony
...for those suffering from cancer 
️
PS
I wrote this 26th September and have been in two minds about posting it. Sadly her condition has now suddenly worsened and she is receiving palliative care for her final days. I am broken hearted 
Hi and welcome to the Community although I am sorry to hear about your partners diagnosis and prognosis.
A cancer diagnosis like this in a family unit can be such a stressful and challenging time but I do hope you will find the Community a safe place to get support and ask your questions.
What you have expressed will not offend or be a surprise to many on the community although I am the one with the incurable cancer so come from a different direction.
The Community is actually divided into support groups (discussion rooms) so can I suggest you consider joining our supportive general Carers only and Supporting someone with incurable cancer groups where you will connect with others navigating the exact same challenges.
If you'd like to connect in with a group click on the Green (Bold) link(s) I have created above. Once the group page opens click on the black banner that says [click to join] at the bottom, or the [Join] button under "Group tools."
You can then introduce yourself by putting up a ‘new post’ by clicking in the box near the top right with + New or + (Depending on the device you are using) and you are ready to go. You could copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.
Macmillan have many support services so do check out the Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. These services provide cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear. We also have our Ask an Expert section but do allow a few working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and aim to give support to all the family.
Please do get back to me if you need further help.
Hi Soozycoo,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Apologies for my late reply which was due to the situation.
Sadly my partner Chanpen passed away yesterday. I am heart broken
Today is day 1 without her in my life and the grieving process has begun, well as you said it really started a long time ago but officially it started from the moment she died yesterday.
Turning to your own situation I'm so sorry to hear your pain. I don't think anyone can understand unless they are or were in the 'club'. I hope when I am stronger that I can provide some support to others.
It has been without doubt the most difficult, demanding and traumatic time during my life. It has also left me extremely lonely. She was my own reason for living and getting up each day. I don't know how I will carry on but hopefully spending some time messaging people who know what you are going through will help me continue. I will take it one day at a time.
I will close by sending my love, support and prayers for you and your husband x
