My husband has stage 4 lung adenocarcinoma, has failed immunotherapy and is now on chemo. He’s an IT guy, an introvert, and very much hates to show weakness. I’m trying to do my best through the ups and downs of his illness, but he seems to view me in two ways. Depending on the day, I am the best spouse he could ask for, practically a candidate for sainthood (usually after a hospitalization or other health crisis). Other times I am cold, uncaring, insensitive, and he cannot understand why I cannot meet his needs. I have taken over pretty much all the household chores, shopping, and cooking. He expects me to be his GP as I am a retired doctor. And he won’t join support groups or get counseling, because “I have you.” He essentially has no friends and is estranged from his birth family. He has a tenuous relationship with one of his kids (this is a second marriage for both of us). To complicate matters, we live in Spain, so I am very far from my family and many friends in the US with whom I am very close. I have made friends here as well, but I hate to burden them. It’s all getting to be a bit much for me. Suggestions? Counseling isn’t really an option for me because, although I get by pretty well in Spanish, it isn’t good enough for seeing a therapist. I have lots of outside interests I could use for respite but no time. At present he refuses to have anyone come in to help with the housework because of the immunosupression, and he is convinced that in a week or two he’ll be able to take over some tasks again and relieve my load. In my medical opinion that is highly unlikely. So how do I deal with this before I tear my hair out and leap from the balcony?
Hi ExpatMaD and a warm welcome to the Online Community although I am so sorry to hear about your husbands diagnosis and your ongoing challenges. A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be so stressful and challenging but I do hope you find the community a safe place to get support and ask your questions.
The New to Community area is our reception desk where we can signpost you to our various cancer support groups and other services so can I recommend that you consider joining our supportive Lung Cancer group. This will be a safe place to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and talk with others who are supporting family and friends on their journey.
If you'd like to connect in with a group click on the Green (Bold) link I have created above. Then once the group page opens click on the black banner that says [click to join] at the bottom, or the [Join] button under "Group tools."
You can then introduce yourself by putting up a ‘new post’ by clicking in the box near the top right with + New or + (Depending on the device you are using) and you are ready to go.
You could copy and paste the text from this post into your new post and as always you can reply to existing ‘Discussions’ by click [reply].
When it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting someone you may benefit from joining our general Carers only and Living with cancer outside the UK groups where you will connect with others supporting family and friends
The Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week onUK you can contact us on +44 207 091 2230 or via Webchat and Email too. This service provides emotional support or just a listening ear.
Always around if you need further help in navigating the community.
Wishing you all the very best.
