Hi everyone, thank you for your time reading this.
last year my mum was diagnosed with Liver cancer. When we found out we were mortified, but have stood by mum all the time. She won’t allow me to attend appointments with her or treatments with her. She won’t talk to the family about what’s been said by drs unless she thinks we need to know. I know it’s to protect us, but it’s not helping at all. She has really struggled with the treatments given and refused 1 completely as she is terrified of needles, like major scared of them. Just a few days ago she said she was told they couldn’t offer any more treatment and would keep an eye on her. To me this meant she was terminal, but because she said the dr hasn’t said she is terminal, she doesn’t think she is and I’m massively confused. She has developed fluid on her stomach and all down her legs, which today a looked at for the 1 time since she said she had it 3/4 weeks ago. Her stomach down to ankles is solid and I mean solid. She said dr is aware and awaiting a scan but I do t think she should wait, I think she needs to see how serious this is and ask to be seen asap, not wait around for scans. She has agreed to allow me to 1 appointment with her consultant, which gives me an Opportunity to get some clarity on what’s happening with mum. Again I get she’s trying to protect us, but we really don’t understand some of the stuff she says, or if she is terminal or not, if treatments have stopped, how bad the acities is, and we need to know but mum passes it all off as like it’s nothing. This may be her way of dealing with things but she doesn’t get how it’s effecting us as a family.
how can I make her see the family need to know what’s happening in order to support her better, and to chase appointments rather than just letting the days pass? She not 70 until November, she’s mad stubborn and I’m the youngest of 7 siblings, the only 1 closest to mum so I have to explain to other family members what’s happening as they all live too far away to help me out. I’m literally doing my best to help mum but she isn’t helping me if that makes sense. Everyone is coming to me to find out what’s happening, telling me I need to go to appointments, I need to do this I need to do that…. I work, I have 3 children, I’m doing my diploma in adult care, I’m trying to support mum…but who supports me? I have nobody and it’s hard but continue I will because I have to, mum needs me, she just needs to stop being stubborn and thinking she knows best, it’s not always the case.
sorry for the essay, and thank you for your time xxx
Hi Amothersdaughter and a warm welcome to the Online Community although I am so sorry to hear about your mum’s diagnosis and the uncertainty as to what is going on.
She most likely in her mind is protecting the family but it’s good that you are able to go to her next appointment. Incurable cancer is not that straightforward. I was diagnosed with an incurable blood cancer over 23 years ago. Is it terminal?.. well at some point in time yes.
A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be so stressful and challenging but I do hope you find the community a safe place to get support and ask your questions.
We have various cancer support groups and other services so can I recommend that you consider joining our supportive Liver cancer group. This will be a safe place to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and talk with others who are supporting family and friends on their journey.
If you'd like to connect in with a group click on the Green (Bold) link I have created above. Then once the group page opens click on the black banner that says [click to join] at the bottom, or the [Join] button under "Group tools."
You can then introduce yourself by putting up a ‘new post’ by clicking in the box near the top right with + New or + (Depending on the device you are using) and you are ready to go.
You could copy and paste the text from this post into your new post and as always you can reply to existing ‘Discussions’ by click [reply].
When it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting someone you may benefit from joining our general Carers only and Supporting someone with incurable cancer groups where you will connect with others supporting family and friends.
The Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00 or via Webchat and Email too. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear and our Cancer Nurse Team in our Ask an Expert section may be helpful but do allow a few working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and provide support for all the family.
Always around if you need further help in navigating the community.
Wishing you all the very best.
