Struggling to cope

Hi everyone,

• my grandad passed on at 5am yesterday morning. Myself and my mother cared for him at home right to the end. He was an extremely proud and private man and my absolute best friend. My question is how do I cope with the things I saw in those last 24hrs. It was not peaceful like I’d imagined. I’d prepared myself for him to have minimal pain and go to sleep. But instead he fought the morphine to the death. He shouted out in agony, he cried, swung his arms and reached for us right to the last hour when he finally allowed his final dose to work and he did go to sleep. But I can’t stop going over it in my head. He was in so so much pain and I couldn’t do anything other than hold his hand and tell him I was there. He didn’t look like my grandad anymore. He was frail and yellow. His hands turned blue and he could only grunt. I close my eyes and I see him. And the noises he made! I can’t begin to know how to process this. I can hear it constantly. I’m waking with a start because I can hear him moaning and rattling in pain and I want to run to him. I want to take it away. He was so tired. I just don’t know who to cope with this. Why did he fight the medicine so much? I can’t process this. I feel guilty for feeling traumatised because he’s the one that had to go through it. I miss him tremendously and I just want my best friend back the way he used to be.