Just had a baby and losing my mum...

Hi everyone, I wish we could be meeting under happier circumstances, but I have had to accept, like many, that cancer is one thing we cannot control. 

At the start of the year things seemed to be picking up - I am sure all of us have suffered in one way or another throughout covid. I found this hard personally as when we went into the first lockdown my son was just 6 months. I found not being able to see my family, particularly my mum who has been more of a best friend to me since my teenage years, very hard.

My mum withdrew and started to show signs of OCD. No longer in the family of four, as I have my own home and family to look after, I was shut out of their bubble along with my son and my husband. I guess looking back thats when I felt like i'd started to lose her.

I fell pregnant again with my second son in January this year, and coming out of the pandemic seemed to give my family hope again even my mum, but then in May her back pain started and we saw a decline in her mental health.

My dad who is a trained shiatsu practitioner knew more was going on after treating the pain and failing to get any release. So he urged her to go to the doctors. 

A few blood test and scans later we are introduced to the 7cm growth on her kidney. 

We are told it is kidney cancer, they use the words 'not curable' and 'aggressive', potentially already in her lymph nodes, but I tell myself to keep positive. 

This is the point I think my mum gave up - right at the very beginning, I think she was already in a deep depression before finding out about the cancer. 

The doctor said this type of cancer is uncommon in a 55 year old women who doesn't smoke or drink and lives a healthy lifestyle, but again I am learning there is no one size fits all. 

She didn't want chemo initially, but they said without it its likely she would only have six months, so we convinced her to have it. All it did was made her sicker and its broken my heart to watch her fade away. She lost weight, lost her voice and became more frail, so visiting her was not an option for me, and speaking down the phone was near impossible. 

She spent many days just laying in bed as the pain got worse.

I went in to have my son (now 6 weeks old) via c section and I pushed my way in on my return home just so she could have one hold, and I could get a glimpse of her. This was the last time I have seen her recently. Everyday I cry because I miss her and have no control over anything. 

Two days after I had my baby, she went into hospital as she had fluid building around her heart. This was drained but we were told the cancer may have spread to her lungs. So they stopped the chemo and suggested immunotherapy. 

After one treatment of immunotherapy, she is in a bad way - they say the treatment is counteracting the steroids and she is back in a palliative hospital in the town I live in, a place I still can't go and visit her because my dad is the only one allowed to due to covid.

That is the place we are currently at... my mum had told everyone she doesn't think she will make it to Christmas. She told me she doesn't have anything to live for and I find that so heartbreaking and hurtful, though I try my best not to take it personally. 

I am finding it hard as it feels like I am the only one in the family not allowed in.

My grandparents don't see anyone so they are allowed in the house, my brother can go in if he take a covid test because he is single. The person I am most upset about visiting is my auntie (a sister my mum hasn't really been that close to over the years) who now seems like her best friend and doesn't even acknowledge me or my pain! I was told I couldn't visit because my two year old attends nursery twice a week for one afternoon - my auntie works in a bloody school everyday!

So I wonder if my mum finds it too painful to see me? Maybe because I have my boys? She has had little interest in my new arrival, my brother thinks she doesn't want to get to know him as its another person to say goodbye to. I do understand this, but I want to make the most of the time she has left.

I have spent months / years respecting her wishes and I can't help but find the choices she is making to be a little selfish. When she is no longer here I will be left behind, there is no closure for me at this point.

I started the grieving process a little while back, I find whilst I do my daily night feeds I have a good cry, look at old photos and remember good times. I then wake up and live through the pain again everyday whilst juggling family, work and my own life. 

I have found writing this very therapeutic as feelings perhaps now make sense a little more. 

Whilst I 100% appreciate my mum is the person living this nightmare, I do believe it is so important that the ones on that journey with you too (in my case my family) should not be overlooked. Though for me it feels like my immediate family do everything mum wants even at the detriment to others.

Thank you to anyone who has listened... I don't expect all of the new mum hormones are helping me at this point in time!