Hi.
So I'm new here and honestly don't have high hopes of this relieving my pain but anything is worth a go right now.
When I was 17 I was sectioned under the mental health act and had to stay in a hospital for 8 months. 5 months in I was told that my mum had cervical cancer and had 3 months to live. This changed my whole world. Because i was in a psychiatric hospital i couldn't visit my mum as much as i wanted to. Every time I'd go on home leave she would look worse and worse until she became so ill she was put into a hospice and we were told to prepare ourselves to say goodbye. I'm not close with any family, it had always been just me and mum at home. After she passed away and I was discharged from the hospital myself I was moved into supportive accommodation on the other side of the county. Whatever family I did have I lost contact with. It was a huge change to face alone. I feel like I've been in survival mode non stop. Trying to deal with my mental health, relapsing a few times, living somewhere new with strangers and away from my hometown, starting college, making new friends and turning 18. Having to be financially responsible for myself, take care of everything in my life and try to keep structure when all my previous structure had fallen apart. My mum was the glue to our family. I feel a lot of guilt for my depression and suicidal behaviours that led me to hospital. I spent so long stuck in my own head, so self obsessed with wanting to die never truly knowing the devastating effects that had on my mum. No, I know the pain she felt every time she got a phone call saying I overdosed again. I feel awful for putting her through that. I'm a terrible daughter. My mum was my best friend and it's only now i realise how much i need to tell her that. We were so close, she never judged me, always supported me and spoiled me rotten. We didn't have a lot but she made it work and I'm so incredibly grateful for her. I hope I can be like her. She really was the best mum in the world. It breaks my heart that I have only had her for 17 years. I feel like it's only now I've started to miss her. It's been over a year now and it just keeps getting worse. Every birthday, Christmas, mothers day and everyday is awful. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. But getting it out here is helping a bit so I'm grateful for my decision. I sometimes wonder if she's proud of me, what I'm doing, going to college during this whole covid thing and being sensible despite every bone in my body telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm going to fail so I may as well give in now. If you're out there mum, I'm doing this for you. Your life was stolen from you without a choice, I have a choice and I choose to stay. Fight like you did. You may have lost your battle but you will always be a winner to me. My star.
I love and miss you endlessly mum x x x x
Hi and a warm welcome to the Online Community.
First I am so sorry to read about the lose of your mum and the life journey you have been on but I have to say that your mum would be very proud of you, as to what you are doing and looking to build life after a very hard time for someone so young.
I lost my mum back in November, yes she was 92 and I am 65 but it’s still hard, she was still my mum.
I did not get to see her because of COVID but I know that she was well looked after and I continue to celebrate her life as we have been working through the boxes of photos she left behind so reliving some amazing memories.
The Community is organised into support groups abd I think it would be good if you have a look at our supportive Bereaved family and friends group as this is the place where you will connect with others walking this journey.
Follow the above link then choose ‘click to join' or ‘join’ when the page opens. You can then introduce yourself, post questions or just join in with existing discussions by clicking on 'reply'.
It’s always good to talk and the Macmillan Support Services provides lots of support and guidance or just a listing ear.
Most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week and it's free to call on 0808 808 00 00 have a look by Clicking here to see what is available and we also have our Ask an Expert section, but do allow two working days for replies from our expert team.
All the very best.
Hi Littlestars. I can see you have already had a reply from TheHighlander, but I couldn't let your post pass without acknowledging it myself. I lost my Mum when I was 44, and I thought that was tough. You have had to grow up overnight, and you should be immensely proud of yourself for what you have achieved this past year. You cannot change your past, but what you can do is make a better future, and with your grit and determination I know you will do just that, and your Mum will be bursting with pride for you.
I wish you all the very best.
