Upset and confused

Hi  and welcome to the Online Community, although I am always sorry to see folks finding us and so sorry to hear about your dad’s diagnosis.

I was diagnosed way back in 1999 with Lymphoma so do understand the challenges around blood cancer treatments and unfortunately as these can be very strong treatment may not be suitable in all cases but has your dad considered a second option? 

A cancer diagnosis brings a lot of confusion, stress and many questions but talking with other people who are on the same type of journey helps a lot.

The Community has various cancer specific support groups so can I direct you to our CLL, SLL, HCL and Prostate cancer groups as this is the place where you will connect with others walking the treatment journey both as patient or family.

Follow the links I've created above then choose ‘click to join' when the page opens.

You can then introduce yourself and post questions selecting '+New' or '+' (depending on your device) you can also join in with existing discussions by clicking on 'reply'. 

You may also find our Carers only, Family and friends and Supporting someone with incurable cancer groups a great benefit as you will connect with others supporting family through their cancer journey.

The Macmillan Support Services provides lots of information. The service is open every day 8am to 8pm and it's free to call on 0808 808 00 00 have a look by Clicking here for more information.

You can also email them, use the online chat and we also have our Ask an Expert section, but do allow two working days for replies from our expert team.

All the very best.

Hi Sweetqueen

really sorry to read your post and the bad news about your Dad is heart breaking. It sounds like he has had a pretty rough time dealing with prostate cancer and now this. There is no easy way to deal with such a terrible diagnosis, and it is going to be a tough time for you all.

My first wife was told she had 3 months maximum after 4 years of being cleared on her annual testing. So we had a timescale and a choice, sadly you have only been given the latter. Can you press the consultant for his time prognosis to get a handle on this? But even if you do, it is not written in stone, it’s only their best estimate. My wife was devastated as we all were by the news. She was absolutely devoted to her two boys and family life was central to her whole being, we usually had at least one other wider family member in the house at any given time, it was a house full of love and joy. We had a choice of how to spend those last 3 difficult months. Spend each precious day consumed by the thought of the end and what we were shortly going to lose or make the most of each day and fill it with as much joy and laughter as we could. We tried to go for the second option, it didn’t always work and there were many tears and heartaches along the way, there just has to be. But I believe that having small targets, such a friend scheduled to visit in a couple of days, a favourite meal with the family tomorrow, an outing en mass to the beach (even though she was wheelchair bound), gave my wife a sense of purpose and as positive, fighting attitude as we could. Obviously I can’t 100% say this was the reason my dear lady managed 5 months, but I really do believe it had a big contribution to giving her the best we could do and as happy days we could muster as well as more than the prognosis. My wife made her 52nd birthday a month after she was told she she should have passed away.

my second wife was diagnosed completely out of the blue with pancreatic cancer and again we were given the devastating news of a 3 month prognosis. She had lost her husband to cancer 4 years previous to when I met her and we had 5 fabulous years together before she passed away. Being 58 treatment was offered, chemo, but we had both seen spouses go through that treatment and her decision was to get her affairs in order, spend as much time with her 3 grown up boys as possible and live each day to the full as much as the illness would allow. Sadly she did pass away at home in my arms shortly after her 58th birthday just after 3 months from diagnosis.

i think what I am trying to say is, even if you have a timescale, you have a choice and having that choice doesn’t alter the way you spend the time with your dear father. My suggestion would be to cry together when you need to, plan things to do regularly a few days ahead of each other, as long as this doesn’t become too tiring for your Dad. Sadly the outcome is inevitable, but the way you spend that precious time between is within you and your family’s control.

every best wish and a huge hug, 

ps hugging each other is essential we found, do it often and let all emotions out when you do, it will help