Limbo

Hi  and a very warm welcome to the online community although I'm very sorry that you've had to find us.

I can see that you have already found and joined the breast cancer group and I'm sure you'll get lots of support there. You mentioned that you have metastasis so you might also want to join the secondary breast cancer group. If you'd like to do this clicking on the link I've created will take you there.

When you have a minute, it would be really useful if you could pop something about your journey so far into your profile as it really helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar diagnosis. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.

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Hello Red13, It helps to read that someone else feels as I do - sort of. I have oesophageal cancer which is inoperable (I am not physically strong enough). I have been through chemoT and radioT and the final assessment scan a few weeks ago resulted in the cancer being declared "stable" - which seems to mean that it certainly hasn't been reduced. They have said I can have no further curative treatment and are offering 3-monthly chats with my Onco. and six-monthly scans of some sort. And palliation when it becomes needed. Although I know things will only get worse, but in a way I suppose I'm the luckiest person on here because I have no symptoms at all (yet). Physical symptoms, that is: I feel a bit messed up mentally, though. I know I should now be making the most of my now shortened life, but somehow I can't get my head around the situation, rather like you, from what you say.

I have never been a social or outgoing person, so, weirdly the dreaded plague constraints haven't affected me that much. But I can't even think about a fantasy "bucket list" because it's not possible to go anywhere, is it?!

I am very lucky having a partner who takes wonderful care of me. I feel guilty that I am physically pretty well otherwise for my age and should be "counting my blessings". But the future hangs like a sword of Damocles - the end will not be fun and will come relatively quickly, from the statistics I have discovered. I have never asked for a "time-left" estimate: perhaps I should - that might concentrate my mind?

Anyway, for what it's worth I am a bit of a fellow-traveller to you. I'd love to hear if you discover the trick of getting some enjoyment back. I'll look back here to read if there are any other replies which might help us.

All the very best of luck. 

Malcolm.

Hi Malcolm, As you say it helps to know there are other people who feel the same. With you mentioning the bucket list it has reminded me of a book someone gave me when I was first diagnosed two years ago. I think I will go hunting for it because it helped at the time. It’s called the positivity kit you put down all your dreams and wishes but also has lists for all your favourite songs and other silly things. I think that’s what I need right now is ‘silly’. 

I asked for a time left and should be pleased that they couldn’t give me a time period as things are stable. Hopefully they will remain that way and I can continue to enjoy my hubby and kids.

All my best to you,

Ruth