Grief stricken- losing both parents

FormerMember over 4 years ago

6 replies
30 subscribers
1129 views

Hi to anyone reading.

I don’t know what I’m posting for but I feel the need to get my story out because I feel so lost right now.

I lost my dad in Jan 2017 to a 2 year battle with bladder cancer. At the time of his passing I was a mum of 3 children (6/3 and a newborn) and only 28 years old myself. The day after his funeral my 35 year old brother was diagnosed with melanoma and he passed 4 months later in May. I still wonder how I got through those times.

Cut to 2020 and my mum was diagnosed in June with lung cancer that had spread to her liver, 6 weeks from diagnosis she passed away. I nursed her full time for those 6 weeks and I was the one to find her dead in bed. I can’t get that image out my head.

Im only 32, I feel so lost. Losing one parent was hard enough but losing both of them is so so different. I just don’t know how to cope. I’m angry all of the time, my mood is so low. I don’t like anybody. I feel guilty for feeling miserable when my children and husband need me. My husband doesn’t know what to say or do. He never asks if I’m ok. I struggle to talk to people about my feelings. He hasn’t suffered a bereavement so I understand that he doesn’t know what to do. But at the same time, it makes me angry that he doesn’t know I’m not ok.

my health anxiety is so bad, it was bad after my dad and brother but now my mum has had cancer too I just can’t cope without the thought that I’m next. We have gone from a family of 5 to 2.

That’s my story. Any tips would be helpful and appreciated.

Thanks, Kristina x

Thehighlander over 4 years ago

Hi and welcome to the Online Community, although I am so sorry to see you finding us and so sorry to hear about the time your family has been having over the past few years, please accept my deepest codolnaces.

A cancer diagnosis in the family indeed brings a lot of confusion, stress and many questions but talking with other people who are on the same type of journey can help a lot.

I see that you have found and posted in our Bereaved family and friends group, well done as this will connect you with people walking the treatment journey and I am sure that folks will pick up on your post soon.

It’s always good to talk, so can I highlight the Macmillan Support Line on 0808 808 00 00 This service covers Emotional Support and Practical Information mostly open 8.00 to 8.00

All the very best and a ((hug)) coming all the way from the Highlands.

Mike

Mike (Thehighlander)

It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

My cancer story

FormerMember over 4 years ago

I wanted to add my voice to Mike’s and offer you my deepest condolences. You have suffered a tremendous loss and I’m not surprised to hear that you are struggling. I lost both my parents in s similar time frame to you and you’re right. Losing both parents is so different.

Mike has already given you information about the resources here in the community and the helpline. Do use them. Have you seen your GP about depression and post traumatic stress disorder? I ask about PTSD after you mention the image of your mum.

In short, I think you need some professional help and that’s always something best sought ourselves.

I wish you all the best

Daloni

FormerMember over 4 years ago

Hi lovely.

Firstly, I am so so sorry for your losses hun. Xx

I lost my Dad to secondary pancreatic cancer in Oct 2018. Then in July last year i lost my Brother in law to lymphoma. Then in March this year, I lost my Mum to covid19 after she fell at home & was taken into hospital. She picked up the covid19 virus in hospital. It was SO sudden & TOTALLY UNEXPECTED, & i don't know what to do, who to turn to, and miss my Mum so so much , especially on the evenings wen we ALWAYS called each other.

Then a few days ago i found out my best friend has died of cancer too, & due to covid19 i didnt get to see her before she died. I feel SO SO lost & empty, & i understand your worries my love.

I am here if you want to chat, plus I have a good listening ear & strong shoulders if you want a good cry.

Sending you & your little ones biggest hugs xxx

FormerMember over 4 years ago in reply to Thehighlander

Thank you for your advice it’s truly appreciated x

FormerMember over 4 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Thank you x

wow you have been through the ringer too. I’m so sorry to hear all of what you have been/going through. Life is so so cruel!

I do try to tell myself that there is always always somebody worse off than yourself. Sometimes that doesn’t make me feel any better though.

I know exactly what you mean about the phone calls, we were the same. Weekends have been hard too because I was always there. It doesn’t help that my in-laws aren’t supportive, they have never been “hands on” grandparents. It just makes life that much harder for myself and my husband when we don’t get any help.
I know that everyone will lose parents but I just feel so hard done by at the moment, it’s so unfair that I’m young and they have passed away already when my children are so young too.

I’m convinced that cancer is going to get me next and I do struggle with those thoughts.

I have been at boiling point for weeks now, and tonight I let it all out and went slightly mental at my father in law (for letting my son down). I hate the world, I don’t like anyone, everyone makes me angry. I feel like Everyone thinks I should be ok now it has been 5 weeks. I don’t know but I’m so fed up and miserable all of the time.

I did tell the GP all of this and she recommended doing a self referral for counselling.

I’m hear for an ear or a shoulder if you need.

Thank you for taking the time to reply xx

FormerMember over 4 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Thank you for your reply :)

Im sorry for your loss of both parents. Did you feel lost? That’s the best way I can describe my feelings. Like you’ve lost your identity? Knowing that there is nobody to answer any questions you might have about years before etc.

I did tell the GP but they didn’t seem concerned and recommended a self referral for bereavement counselling. I’m unsure on that at the moment because I tried it before. I worked for Bupa and they funded 6 sessions and I didn’t find it helpful at all. I think it is just a matter of giving it time and getting used to the new normal. I definitely feel worse than when I lost my dad and brother tho. Maybe it’s because it’s so many immediate family, I don’t know but life is a struggle for sure.

Take care,

Kristina xx