My elderly dad is scared to have op how can I help him

Hi , I’m sorry to hear of your Dad’s diagnosis and how you are not seeing eye to eye on the way forward at the moment. A cancer diagnosis is hard in the best of times but chucking in the CV-19 as well it makes treatment decisions a whole lot harder. 

People deal with decisions in different ways I’m a patient and I’m an over thinker. I though have an incurable diagnosis though, cancer that was not discovered until it had spread. Logic went out of the window at the diagnosis stage in appointments I heard all the bad bits but my husband heard all the good bits, I’m assuming a bit like you. We talked together, it was important to me that he heard and didn’t dismiss the scary bits, and that he acknowledged that things needed to be my decision and not his. Embracing the bad side first allowed me to relax and then listen to the good bits and let the natural self survival mode kick in. With the coronavirus though some times thoughts of self sacrifice for others creep in. 

You mention how can you get support for him, and I’m reading into this support for him to change his mind, or support for him to think things through and feel content with his decision what ever that might be. Part of that will be to hear the positive bits that you hear and how the negative bits are making you feel sad.

It’s you who have come to the community so I’m going to look at this two ways help for you and help for him.

For you to talk to others with similar experience to you and have support with talking and supporting your Dad and having some support for you at this difficult time I would recommend either the friends and family group or the carers group, depending on what your circumstances are. I will put some links below. I would also recommend the Macmillan info and support pages about talking and listening, and as I’m no expert I’d recommend talking to the Macmillan support staff on their telephone line.

For your Dad, he could come or here and join the stomach cancer group and talk to others who have had the op (as could you) to see if things are as scary as they seem or to see that others have been where he is now and have mustered up their resolve to keep carrying on. Again the Macmillan support line 0800 808 0000 is also an option to call and talk things through, or he may need to talk to his hospital team. Just because the initial consultation is over doesn’t mean you can’t get back to them to ask further questions. There’s also a section in the information and support bit about making treatment decisions that he might find helpful to read. 

Here are the links I’ve mentioned, I hope I’m not going into overload for you.

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/being_a_relative_/discussions

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/carers_only/

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/stomach-cancer/discussions

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/emotional-support-for-family-and-friends/what-to-say-to-someone-who-has-cancer

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/treatment/your-treatment-options/making-treatment-decisions

Best wishes

Thank you for your reply it has been very helpful. Also sorry to hear of your diagnosis and thank you for being able to share your experiences

Dad hasn't come to a decision yet he is just really scared about having the op which I understand. He has had a telephone consultation and also a face to face consultation with the aneathiatist but he said that ultimately the decision as to whether it is a keyhole op or an open procedure is up to the surgeon. Dad wants to speak to him but he has not yet been available. Not sure whether that is due to coronavirus or more urgent cases. I am sure he will have the opportunity to speak to him soon which may help with some of his fears.

I will look at the links and forums you have shared and will talk to my mum and dad about joining the community.

T