Today we got confirmation of what I kinda knew. Mum, 81, has cancer....most likely advanced, metastatic. She is most probably unfit for surgery or chemotherapy having had a recent stroke and her general present very poor health. GP reckons she is in latter stage of her life. We have still to speak to consultant but mum is so poorly, I don't even think she will be fit enough to go see him.
She doesn't want carers yet....and I am inclined to agree....but I am so afraid I am not enough. She is almost bed bound, making only a short trip to commode....but not always making that. She needs help sitting up, lying down, personal care.
I don't mind at all....but I am so scared I am not enough. She doesn't want to eat or drink, having only about a cup of liquid a day and has only eaten a 1/4 sandwich in 3 days. She only allows me to do minimum personal care because she is so weak, tired and uncomfortable. Social services have suggested sending in assistants to encourage her to eat and drink and to wash. She doesn't want them.....and I don't want to spoil her last time on this earth by insisting that she has them. She has just got out of a 3 week, unhappy hospital stay.
My mum is going to die...that is a fact.....but am I doing her wrong by not insisting she has assistance? By not nagging at her to eat and drink as hospital advised me to do before we got results of biopsy (I do encourage by asking her frequently, making her snacks and I have drinks by her bed at all times.)
I am also scared I hurt her by accident when moving her. I am doing best I can but she is so frail. She has little strength to move herself. Occupational therapist has requested a glide and lock sheet for me but for the moment, I am just getting her up the bed as best I can.
We have been referred to palliative care team but I know from recent experience with another relative that they are very busy.
Sorry for long initial post. I feel very alone. I have no siblings, my mums friends are all unwell too, my daughters are at university and my husband works ....although he is good when he is around.
Hi and welcome to the Online Community, although I am sorry to see you finding us and so sorry to hear about your mum - this is such a hard time for you all.
A cancer diagnosis can bring a lot of stress, confusion and many many questions on all the family but talking with people who are on the same journey can help a lot.
As I was the person with the cancer my experience of supporting someone is very limited so you may find our Carers Only, Friends and Family and Supporting Someone with Incurable Cancer groups to be good places where you can connect with others supporting family through their cancer journey but more importantly the carers care for each other.
To join the groups just click on the link(s) I've created and then choose 'join this group' on the page that opens. You can then introduce yourself and post questions after selecting 'start a discussion' and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
Can I also highly recommend our various Macmillan Support Line Services - you can call them free on 0808 808 00 00 This service covers Emotional Support, Practical Information. Clinical Information, Financial Support and Work Guidance mostly open 8.00 to 8.00 but check the link.
We also have our ‘Ask an Expert’. section where you can post questions to our mostly Volunteer Experts but please allow 2 working days to get a reply.
Talking to people face to face can help a lot so check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area or a Maggie’s Centre as these folks are amazing.
You may want to put some information in your profile can help a lot Click here to see how to add details as this helps everyone to see a little about you
All the very best and some big ((hugs))
